The last week has been a heady whirl of glamorous parties, premieres, photo shoots, and jet setting off to Monaco to sip truffle daiquiris on a super yacht with Caroline and the lads . . . No wait, that’s someone else’s life.
In mine, Husband returned and we spent the next three days making sweet sweet [...]
Archive for the ‘New Zealand’ Category
In the meantime
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged curly coat retriever, dog hair, dog panniers, dog wandering, high-tech formula, mount wellington, neuter, neutering dog, New Zealand, roaming dog, sense of purpose, soft and shiny, storage policy, straightening hair on 29/10/2009 | 4 Comments »
Here’s what else you missed (warning: don’t get too excited).
The weekend after Husband’s departure, I was invited to lunch with The Grandparents.
Such a grand occasion warranted picking the dog hair out of my good jumper, and a shower. I thought it would be nice if, for a change, I didn’t look like I’d just tumbled [...]
Slingshot call centre guidelines
Posted in New Zealand, tagged call centre, customer care guidelines, customer is always wrong, jargon, makes you want to cry, slingshot, truly abysmal on 26/10/2009 | 3 Comments »
The customer is never right.
Furthermore, the customer is always wrong.
And stupid (be sure to communicate this via disdain).
Lie.
If the customer shows signs of life, kill him with jargon.
Insist the problem is their modem – that should get rid of them.
Keep ’em on hold for half an hour – that’ll take care of the rest.
Tell the customer Slingshot [...]
Q: What is worse than big tobacco? A: Begins with ‘S’ and ends with ‘lingshot’
Posted in New Zealand, tagged apathy, big tobacco, compensation, connectivity, customer care, facebook, fleur de lis, internet access, isp, just terrible customer service, munitions, New Zealand, proactive, refund, reproductive cycle of the fruitfly, review, rubbish, service, slingshot, telecom on 26/10/2009 | 13 Comments »
For nearly two weeks, I have been lost without Internet access. It’s been a disaster. I haven’t been able to use my landline, update Deadlyjelly, check email, surf Wikipedia, buy crap on Trademe, find out the history of fleur de lis, look up Maori face tattoos, view photos of drunk strangers on Facebook, or research [...]
You can’t see anything for the goosebumps
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged anorexic models, auckland, bitumen, car jockey, forecast, karekare, melting tarmac, mount eden, mr2, spare bikini, sports car, sunny, weather on 07/09/2009 | Leave a Comment »
Since our bask atop Mt Eden last weekend, Auckland has enjoyed a week of near perfect weather. Yesterday was so warm, I was moved to strip down to a camisole top while lunching on the deck with the family in Mt Wellington.
This morning, we awoke to another perfect blue sky, sunshine winking in the bedroom [...]
Boiled possum piss doesn’t taste so bad
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged clothespegs, dead pigeon, delineated duties, dog maintenance, fell blow, filter, flooded farms, out of water, rainstorm, verbal chinese burn, water tank on 02/09/2009 | 14 Comments »
The other day, Husband and I returned from our daily walk. We were cold, wet and covered in mud and . . . there was no water. It wasn’t a broken water pump or a dead pigeon blocking the pipe: our tank was OUT OF WATER.
Running out of water in the Waitakeres is something akin [...]
Greeting spring with a good wallow
Posted in Exercise, Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged auckland, butt sniffing bonanza, curly coat retriever, hint of humping, mount eden, mud, puppy, spring, wallowing, wrestlefest on 31/08/2009 | Leave a Comment »
There are hints of spring in the air (for the purposes of argument, I am choosing to ignore the rain dashing itself against the windows). But recently, the weather has been so much more clement, to the extent that we opened the bedroom window the last couple of nights and complained about the heat.
On Friday, [...]
Viewers are advised to use discretion
Posted in Exercise, Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged animates, ball, broom, curly coat retriever, dog training, ferndown track, fetch, grassmere road, lincoln road, mountain road, outlet pipe, speaking, storm drain on 28/08/2009 | 2 Comments »
Warning: some viewers may find the following footage disturbing.
Below are some videos we took after our daily walk this afternoon, of Jed with his favourite toy: ‘Ball’.
There are some things you should know, before these clips make you doubt our devotion to our dog.
Firstly, if you think I am tormenting my dog, well, I treat [...]
Only 41,851,439 more feet to go
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged body of water, career prospects, curly coat retriever, drowned rat, forestry industry, kaimanawa road, mount ruapehu, pillars of hercules, sh1, sledding, snow, south island, turangi, wet puppy on 26/08/2009 | Leave a Comment »
Finally, the photographic evidence:-
Husband risks life and limb.
So I’m not sure what Husband was up to in this shot. He was either winding up for a rousing chorus of ‘I’m Every Woman’, or he might have been stretching.
Jed gets to grip with a tree.
If there is any body of water in the vicinity, you can [...]
Ducks: a savage species
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged abalone, abyss of despair, agent of death, aldan lodge, cambridge, creel lodge, curly coat retriever, desert road, her royal goatiness, interislander, mig welder, mount ruapehu, New Zealand, oamaru, picton, plastering, roof rack, rose tinted glasses, spine chilling cackling, te koutu lake reserve, terminal, timaru, tongariro river, turangi, wellington on 24/08/2009 | 6 Comments »
So the next post was to be an account of the great road trip home from Oamaru. I am pure MORTIFIED to be writing about it so long after the event. At least two weeks’ hindsight bathes the trip in a warm, rosy tint – what I can recall of it.
Although we were sailing the [...]
Fridge Liberated of Frost
Posted in New Zealand, The Muse, Weird, tagged creative energy, defrost, fridge, fridge liberated of frost, glacier, inherent explicability, jam jars, startling application of fish, the tate on 19/08/2009 | 9 Comments »
After the drive home last weekend, I arrived back in Auckland with a surfeit of creative energy. My synapses were firing on all cylinders, and a few I didn’t even know I had.
I didn’t know what I would do with it all – maybe write a blog post! Or several! Finish another book! Take up [...]
The soundtrack
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged alison moyet banned, celine dion is creepy, hard pop, lame, memory stick, mp3, nougat, playlist, road trip, selection, soundtrack, true love on 11/08/2009 | 4 Comments »
Me: Ok, I’ve been thinking about music for the trip home. Now, as far as I see it, we have two options. Number one: we can load up a memory stick with both our songs. Strict 50/50 split. Neither of us can fast forward the others songs. Or maybe we can allow one FF per [...]
Introduction to frozen water
Posted in Friends, New Zealand, tagged 260-t19, fishing, floppy hat, huka falls, kaimanawa road, ladder of certain doom, mountain biking, nine times table, open road, pillars of hercules, sh1, sunglasses, swingbridge, taupo, tokoroa, tongariro, tongariro river, topo map, tree trunk gorge, trout, turangi on 04/08/2009 | 8 Comments »
Although we emailed sporadically, and I met up with Helen when I passed through Dubai on the way to and from Ireland last year, the reality is we don’t know each other that well. Up to recently, all we had in common was a mutual appreciation for floating in briny water in a manner similar [...]
Windburn
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged antivampire, auckland, blenheim, bp connect, carrion, distance, eggs benedict, extinguished my spirit, garage drought, hash brown, hilux surf, hislops, kaikoura, lake taupo, mitre 10, monkey wrench, oamaru, picton, road trip, sequoia lodge, superficial scar, twatter, wellington on 02/08/2009 | 2 Comments »
I planned on driving until I felt tired, then pulling up beside a lake or stream, cuddling up to Jed for warmth, sleeping like an antivampire, then waking to watch the sun rise over snow-capped mountains.
Husband failed to appreciate this romantic vision. In fact, he really didn’t enter into the spirit of the road trip [...]
32 PSI
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged blowing raspberries, bluebridge, bp connect, bruce springsteen, check in, desert road, ferry, fgth, foreigner, hunterville, interislander, kaimanwa forest, lame, led zeppelin, mister mister, north island, paraparaumu, road trip, south island, spandex, turangi, van halen on 01/08/2009 | 5 Comments »
On Wednesday morning, Husband rang as I finished packing the car.
“How do you feel this morning?” he asked solicitously.
“Terrific!” I said.
“Right, pay attention,” said Husband. “We’ve been discussing how to get you and Jed to Oamaru, and we think the best way is to parachute you in-”
“I’m driving.”
“You’re joking,” said Husband.
“Nope. Little road trip. <Jed: [...]
The Invisible Grotto of the Travel Crate Door
Posted in Friends, Hunka husband, New Zealand, Outlaws, tagged Outlaws, south island, public transport, oamaru, pacific blue, tokoroa, turangi, thelma and louise, brad pitt, gay cowboy theme, disaster strikes, tentacles of doom, travel crate, crate hire on 31/07/2009 | 4 Comments »
Husband left for Oamaru this day last week to catch the last weekend of duck shooting and partake in some serious alcohol abuse with the Outlaws.
I did not join him because my friend, Helen, was over from Dubai. She had asked me to accompany her on a three-day road trip to visit her friend in [...]
Destructing character (chainsaw optional)
Posted in Friends, New Zealand, tagged arrogant prick, Friends, hard time, humble prick on 17/07/2009 | 5 Comments »
Me: JohnO, I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to your self-image, but you are not humble.
JohnO: Oh come on! I’m certainly not- what’s the opposite of humble?
Me: Arrogant?
JohnO: I’m not arrogant-
Haze: Well, plenty of people have called you an arrogant prick.
JohnO: I suppose.
Me: And let’s face it, how many people have called you [...]
Snarfles
Posted in Family, New Zealand, tagged curly coat retriever, jed, slobber chops, snarf monster, snarfles, snarfly snarfles, tug on 09/07/2009 | 3 Comments »
I’ve been a bit slack about submitting photographic evidence recently, sorry.
More apologies, this time for the lack of exposure both clothes and technique-wise. At least this pic gives an idea of scale. Meet: Hulk Dog. I managed to wrestle Jed onto the weighing scales yesterday. It was difficult to get an accurate measurement because he [...]
Stale smells up here often come from down there
Posted in Family, New Zealand, Weird, tagged canine aroma, carpet, carpet freshener, dog smells, glade, jenny logan, put the freshness back, risk of death, shake n vac, stain, toxic on 08/07/2009 | 5 Comments »
A futile exercise – on the same scale as trying to teach Jed to bark ‘Happy Birthday’ – is keeping the house clean with a dog. Approximately three seconds after hoovering/mopping, the floor is covered in shredded twigs, earth-sculptures of paw-prints, half-chewed pig’s ears and the entrails of various stuffed toys and electronic items.
I had [...]
More about humping
Posted in New Zealand, tagged airedale terrier, curly coat retriever, discipline, dog training, dogs allowed, good grace, hump, humping, muriwai beach, randy pooch, serious fluff, spaniel stoat mix on 25/06/2009 | 2 Comments »
This morning on Muriwai Beach, Jed and I met a woman walking her dog. His owner had the same hairdo as her dog Samson, an Airedale terrier. If you know your dog breeds, you can imagine how terrifying that was: Airedale terriers are exceptionally fluffy.
My dog may also happen to be exceptionally fluffy, but Jed [...]
Preferably rancid
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged countdown, curly coat retriever, gizzards, manky, north island, pak n save, puppy, rancid, raw food diet, raw meaty bones, the mad butcher, trailer, waitakere on 28/05/2009 | 5 Comments »
Since the Puppy Biscuit Freakshow, I have fed Jed an essentially raw food diet. He’s a big fan of fish, particularly tinned mackerel; loves chicken carcasses, necks and gizzards; savages veal bones and lamb flaps; and will take your arm off if tripe or offal is on the end of it.
I have been purchasing his food [...]
Surprisingly cranky
Posted in Exercise, Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged carefree, curly coat retriever, daring, law of gravity, let me count the reasons, life and limb, mountain biking, New Zealand, north island, puppy, restall road, semi sheer, wilful disregard, woodhill, young on 23/05/2009 | Leave a Comment »
Mountain biking in Woodhill today:-
Husband: Why didn’t you cycle down that hill?
Me: You mean, apart from the fact that it’s semi-sheer? Let me count the reasons. First of all, I don’t really fancy breaking a fall with my sprained wrist. Secondly, it’s been a while since I mixed it up at Woodhill, so I’m taking it easy. Thirdly, I [...]
The security of mail around the land
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, tagged deeply geeky computer, nz post, package on 16/05/2009 | 4 Comments »
Me: I’m here to collect a package, here’s the slip <presents slip>.
Assistant: Are you Mr Husband?
Me: No. I’m his wife.
Assistant: This parcel is registered mail, so Mr Husband Shaw must collect it himself. Unless you have his ID with you?
Me: No. Listen, isn’t there anything you can do? I’ve just driven in specially. It’s a [...]
Dead ducks
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, Outlaws, tagged 4wd waterskiing, 4x4, ammunition, camo suit, close up, convoy, duck shooting, eye contact, jacuzzi, loaded shotgun, mai mai, New Zealand, pin up girl, season, shotgun, snuff out a life, surfing a blow-up doll, swearing, tvnz, whisky on 07/05/2009 | 6 Comments »
It was a big weekend: the opening of duck season. There were days of preparation: oiling and polishing guns, stocking ammo, building mai-mais, exhuming camo suits, and applying swear words.
Check out this TVNZ’s Close Up segment to learn more about what The Men got up to over the weekend, although without the extreme bonding, arse footage, loaded coolboxes, [...]
Frosty morning in Oamaru
Posted in New Zealand, tagged early morning, frost, oamaru, south island, sunrise on 03/05/2009 | 1 Comment »
Yesterday morning my dog alarm went off at 07:00hrs and, after I had wiped my face, I took Jed outside. It was so cold I would have cried, except I was afraid my eyeballs would freeze.
Sunrise
Frost on the paddocks
Operation Beautification
Posted in Hunka husband, New Zealand, Outlaws, tagged eyebrow pluck, follicle elimination, hairdresser, hairstyle, moustache waxing, oamaru, operation beautification, south island, timaru on 28/04/2009 | 4 Comments »
Operation Beautification commenced the week before Husband’s triumphant return. General follicle extermination, eyebrow plucking and trimming, intense moisturising, deep conditioning, teeth straightening, moustache waxing.
However, he highlight of the entire campaign was The Hairdo. I have been growing my hair for what feels like several millenia. One of the reasons for this – apart from how [...]
Oamaru – local dialect
Posted in New Zealand, tagged checkout assistant, munt, new world, nicotine, oamaru, sheltered upbringing, six pack, south island, swearing on 20/04/2009 | 2 Comments »
At New World Supermarket in Oamaru today, I stood in line behind a man emitting a subtle aroma of beer-marinated nicotine. He was attempting to procure two six packs of beer, but appeared confused by the transactionary nature of the exchange.
Him: This <EXPLETIVE RHYMING WITH ‘MUNT’ APPLIED AS AN ACTIVE VERB DELETED> <EXPLETIVE DELETED>ing government.
Me: Um.
Him: I [...]
It’s either me or The Stick
Posted in New Zealand, Outlaws, tagged Outlaws, mother in law, oamaru, lake waitaki, brown dog, the warrior, kurau, fetch on 17/04/2009 | 1 Comment »
A couple of weeks ago, The Outlaws and I went on a little day-trip to Lake Waitaki. Mother and Stepfather-In-Law, Sister and Boyfriend-In-Law and three brown dogs crammed into the car.
The journey was memorable for two reasons.
The first was meeting The Warrior at a cafe in Kurau, where we stopped for lunch pies. The Warrior punctuates his conversation [...]
How to use your face as a hoe
Posted in New Zealand, Outlaws, The Muse, tagged analogies, how to use your face as a hoe, in laws, mountain bike, open heart surgery, Outlaws, padded lycra shorts, toe clips on 03/04/2009 | 8 Comments »
Yesterday I cycled up to Sister and Boyfriend-In-Law’s house to lash myself to a desk and force out a word or two in a manner similar to performing open heart surgery on oneself.
As you can tell, progress on the second novel is going well.
I borrowed Mother-In-Law’s mountain bike for the trip, which comes accessorised with [...]
Auckland City Walk
Posted in New Zealand, tagged anderson track, auckland city walk, bush, scenic drive, track, trail, waitakere on 24/03/2009 | 7 Comments »
Last Thursday we consulted our map for a local walk we had yet to explore. This was how we discovered Auckland City Walk. We set off from Scenic Drive down the Anderson Track and, after a couple of kilometres of relatively rugged bush track (ie the mud came with sound effects) the path emerged into [...]
