The last week has been a heady whirl of glamorous parties, premieres, photo shoots, and jet setting off to Monaco to sip truffle daiquiris on a super yacht with Caroline and the lads . . . No wait, that’s someone else’s life.
In mine, Husband returned and we spent the next three days making sweet sweet [...]
Archive for the ‘Weird’ Category
Physiggomai
Posted in Weird, tagged attractive mustachioed woman, aunt seducer, baffona, best seller, best selling book, garlic, grandfather clock, gwarlingo, jayus, kloskvaltare, knocks the sales booth over, physiggomai, tartle, tentenverfurhrer on 31/10/2009 | Leave a Comment »
Here are some of the treasures I discovered during a recent expedition across the Internet.
The literal translation of Kloskvaltare - Swedish for best-selling book - is: ‘it knocks the sales booth over’.
In Italy, Salma Hayek might be described as a baffona or ‘attractive mustachioed woman’.
In Germany, a young man with suspiciously good manners is called Tantenverfürhrer, or [...]
Ya know wha I is bein sayin iff?
Posted in Weird, tagged deadlyjelly, endproduct, juxtaposition, niamh shaw, world wide web on 17/10/2009 | 4 Comments »
I is bein da writin dis at da world wide web of da MarkJ. Dis is cos of da world wide web of Da House Of Jelly Dat Is Deadly bein in da poke, ya know wha I is bein sayin iff?
Yo may have bein noticin a degration of da grammer an da spellin, dis [...]
Includes most forms of intestinal bacteria
Posted in Weird, tagged braised beaks, buffalo wings, chicken, cluck cluck here, flesh eating gerbil, giblets, heinous, intestinal bacteria, kentucky fried drumsticks, nuggets, old macdonald, parenting, revolting on 04/10/2009 | 5 Comments »
Before I got a dog, the most disgusting thing I ever witnessed in my whole, entire life was my mother molesting a chicken. I was eight years old. Mum was preparing a roast. In a devastating mental leap, a precocious synapse realised the connection between Old Mac Donald’s hens cluck-clucking here and there and everywhere, [...]
Fridge Liberated of Frost
Posted in New Zealand, The Muse, Weird, tagged creative energy, defrost, fridge, fridge liberated of frost, glacier, inherent explicability, jam jars, startling application of fish, the tate on 19/08/2009 | 9 Comments »
After the drive home last weekend, I arrived back in Auckland with a surfeit of creative energy. My synapses were firing on all cylinders, and a few I didn’t even know I had.
I didn’t know what I would do with it all – maybe write a blog post! Or several! Finish another book! Take up [...]
Waffling
Posted in Weird, tagged hibiscus coast, maple syrup, north island, pecan nuts, trademe, waffle, waffle iron, waffle machine, waffle maker on 13/07/2009 | 11 Comments »
On Saturday, in a stunning coup reminiscent of The Great Espresso Machine Victory of 2008, I held my nerve in a tense battle of wills to procure a waffle maker on TradeMe. I’ve been looking for a waffle machine for AGES – a whole week since I came across a recipe for waffles (get this: [...]
Stale smells up here often come from down there
Posted in Family, New Zealand, Weird, tagged canine aroma, carpet, carpet freshener, dog smells, glade, jenny logan, put the freshness back, risk of death, shake n vac, stain, toxic on 08/07/2009 | 5 Comments »
A futile exercise – on the same scale as trying to teach Jed to bark ‘Happy Birthday’ – is keeping the house clean with a dog. Approximately three seconds after hoovering/mopping, the floor is covered in shredded twigs, earth-sculptures of paw-prints, half-chewed pig’s ears and the entrails of various stuffed toys and electronic items.
I had [...]
The Turgefest of Madison County
Posted in Weird, tagged bridges of madison county, clint eastwood, g-spot, meryl streep, review, shocking movie, straddle, turgefest on 07/07/2009 | 3 Comments »
So here’s how it went down:-
MarkJ*: You know The Bridges of Madison County? The film? Well, there’s this scene-
Me: Shocking movie.
MarkJ: Um, well, I suppose**. Anyway, there’s this scene where- this lovely moment- where Meryl Streep’s† character, she’s on the phone, and she- she rests her hand quietly on Clint Eastwood’s shoulder. It’s the first [...]
Ode to My Puppy
Posted in Weird, tagged curly coat retriever, curly coated retriever, faeces, liver, puppy, scratch, slobber, species on 29/04/2009 | 7 Comments »
Jed you are so cute and furry
Fetching sticks in such a hurry
Shredding them across the floor
Scoring scratches down the door
When you slobber, itch and snort
Juggle spiders for the sport
Dismember things because you can
You’re almost like a little man
But when I see you eating faeces
It’s clear you are a different species
Billabong dog
Jed guards stick
Huh?
Jed makes friends [...]
That would be: Sque-ak
Posted in Weird, tagged dog training, donation system, ducky, mckenzie, opportunity shop, performing artist, robot, salvation army, scatological on 18/04/2009 | Leave a Comment »
Oamaru’s Salvation Army ‘opportunity shop’ operates a donation system for toys.
I picked out three stuffed animals for my puppy in various stages of freshness and entirety. When I handed over $10, the volunteer responded as if I’d just given them the deeds to a building. If it’s a ploy to make people feel guilty, well, it worked. However, [...]
Seven shades of hell
Posted in Weird, tagged digestive system, fart, green sweat, immune system failure, SBD, seven shades of hell, sewage, sewerage, smell test, waitakere ranges on 27/03/2009 | 5 Comments »
A couple of nights ago, a foul stench stormed the living room. It smelled like seven shades of hell. It scorched wood, melted leather and caused the lightbulbs to flicker and go out.
“Shit!” I gasped, breaking out in a green sweat.
“Smells a bit like it,” said Husband grimly.
“Is something wrong with our sewerage tank?” I [...]
Cyclist vs bulldozer
Posted in Exercise, Weird, tagged attitude, bike, cycling, cyclists, drivers, mountain bike, safety on 11/03/2009 | Leave a Comment »
When it comes to cyclists, drivers fall into two categories:
a) The ones who mount the kerb on the far side of the road to give you room
b) Those who see how close they can get to you without scratching their paintwork
There are fewer in category (b). They are the type who fancy their chances playing [...]
It was hilarious in my subconscious
Posted in Hunka husband, Outlaws, Weird, tagged funniest joke in the world, humour, joke on 26/01/2009 | 4 Comments »
Me: Last night, I dreamed I made up the funniest joke in the world. Everybody laughed. I became quite famous.
Husband: Really? Do you remember the joke?
Me: Of course. I spent weeks if not months working on it: honing it, breaking it down and reconstructing it to finely crafted perfection.
Brett: Well, are you going to tell [...]
Soundbites from the traffic lights
Posted in Hunka husband, Weird, tagged i got you babe, love, sixties music, sonny and cher, they say we're young on 13/01/2009 | 7 Comments »
Me: They say we’re young and we don’t know! Won’t find out unti-i-il we grow!
Me (accompanying myself): Well I don’t know babe if that’s true! Cos I got me and, er. Baby you’ve got me too!
Me: <prods Husband in ribs> Sing! Let your voice soar to the sky! Sing, my melodic lover!
Both, in gorgeous, gut-wrenching [...]
Dispatches from the road, Part III
Posted in Hunka husband, Weird, tagged dog called cigarette, funny, humor, humour, jokes, nasal snort on 12/01/2009 | 2 Comments »
Me: You never laugh at my jokes.
Husband: That’s so untrue
Me: Ok, I’ll tell a joke and we’ll see. Are you ready?
Husband: Hit me
Me: Guy has a dog with no legs. It’s called ‘Cigarette’, because every night he takes it out for a drag
Husband: *snort!*
Me: See? You didn’t really laugh. You just snorted through your nose. [...]
Another morass from the past
Posted in Weird, tagged housewarming, slamming, bmw, cat hunting, harvey wallbanger, minutes of meeting, chairman, plonk on 14/11/2008 | 5 Comments »
Just yesterday, I came across photographic evidence of the following letter, which was instantly destroyed in a freak accident involving a lit match.
From London, 29 April 1996:-
This weekend I was invited to a housewarming party in Sussex. I arrived at said house at around about 5:00pm. There was plenty of plonk which, given my upbringing which [...]
The facts from my perspective
Posted in Ireland, Weird, tagged bouncer, cafe, evict, kenmare, kick out, manager, restaurant on 13/11/2008 | 2 Comments »
The other day I was kicked out of a local restaurant. Well, I wasn’t seized by the ears and hurled through the window, but only because the establishment does not retain bouncers. However, the psychological effect was similar.
I will not going to fully disclose why I was booted out of the restaurant, because – well. [...]
Obscene jelly
Posted in Family, Weird, tagged extreme, filter, obscene, site blocker, spam on 12/11/2008 | 3 Comments »
Just back from a quick trip across the country to visit my rellies in Co Kilkenny. I tried to update Deadlyjelly – really. However, my uncle’s Internet Provider helpfully supplies site blocking software to spare them the likes of Juicygirls. When I attempted to access Deadlyjelly, the site was blocked for being ‘obscene’ and ‘extreme’.
I [...]
More from the archives
Posted in Ireland, Weird, tagged archive, conspiracy, demi moore, ghost, kisses not swastikas, loser, material, patrick swayze, puberty, shite, teenager, welsh 6 day, whoopi goldberg on 05/11/2008 | 4 Comments »
But you would not believe how much shite I had to wade through to uncover these nuggets. It appears that, during my teenage years, my parents were engaged in a conspiracy to ruin my life. I think it best not declassify this information during my lifetime.
Holiday in Wales, aged 16 – 1988
I was severely depressed, [...]
Legal restitution
Posted in Ireland, Weird, tagged chaser, deep fried nuggets, depth charger, fennessy's, guinness, irish car bomb, jameson, len grossman, north circular road, pub, pub grub, sandwiches, sanger, sausages, tom cruise, tropic thunder, whiskey on 21/10/2008 | 1 Comment »
For weeks beforehand, I briefed Husband on the realities of an Irish wedding.
“You may be required to sing with your eyes closed,” I warned him. “If you don’t close your eyes, the Irish will think you’re shallow and you will be thrown out of the wedding. There will be alcohol involved – no surprises there [...]
Shower talk
Posted in Hunka husband, Weird, tagged class a, iguana, lizard, man's best friend, nonsense, spiteful sock on 03/09/2008 | 27 Comments »
Me: I can’t HEAR YOU! I’m IN THE SHOWER!
Husband: Blibble blibble burble.
Me: You . . . you’re pressing a spiteful socks? That DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
Husband: Bibble bubble.
Me: Well, I always thought a DOG was a MAN’S BEST FRIEND, but I’ve never OWNED AN IGUANA.
Husband: Blibble bubbarb.
Me: You’re ADDICTED TO CRACK COCAINE? Goodness. Is it SERIOUS?
Husband: [...]
Some jokes never go stale
Posted in Weird, tagged duck billed, jokes, platypus on 19/08/2008 | 4 Comments »
What does a plum and a platypus have in common?
They’re both purple, except for the platypus.
—
Platypus walks into a bar, says to the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, “No. Go away, troublemaker.”
So the platypus goes away, comes back and says, “Got any grapes?”
Bartender says, “No, and if you ask me again, I’ll staple your [...]
Hymen Raider and the Penetrators
Posted in The Muse, Weird, tagged about time, novel, profanity, questionnaire, survey, swearing, worst band name on 08/08/2008 | 8 Comments »
I need a name for a band that is beyond terrible.
In ‘About Time’, one of my characters plays in a grunge band in college. The band is more about volume than musical technique and suffers from anti-establishment aspirations. In case you need to get into character, he doesn’t wash much and is going through a swearing phase.
Here’s what [...]
Proof of sun
Posted in New Zealand, Weird, tagged auckland, bush walk, film, gladiator, New Zealand, panorama, panoramic, rain, sun, sunshine, theme, weather, wet on 21/07/2008 | 3 Comments »
I wanted to post this earlier, but YouTube took an active dislike to my browser cache and refused to reflect thumbnails. Sorry about the detour into geekland there. Click here or on the link below to access the video.
What’s the name of the song it goes dum
Posted in Weird, tagged hits, maximising, search engine, search terms on 16/07/2008 | 1 Comment »
I keep an eye on my blog stats because it’s still a novelty. The majority of visitors are friends and family. However, some people visit Deadlyjelly having been referred from other sites – mainly links from Bookshed members’ sites and MarkJ’s blog. And some people stumble mistakenly upon Deadlyjelly while looking for the bathroom or [...]
