The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Look, it’s not as if I expected the classic brilliance of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’, or the gory humour of ‘Temple of Doom’. It’s virtually impossible to eclipse chilled monkey brain dessert, but I expected more, I did. After all, Steven’s had 19 years to polish the wry jokes and construct a compelling storyline. What’s the man been doing?

Just after the opening credits, Harrison Ford pilots a fridge out of a nuclear blast, but the stunt evidently wore him out for the remainder of the movie. He may be 65 years of age, but that’s no excuse for strolling into a burial chamber to pick up his artefact and ambling out again. There was a tragic lack of ingenious booby traps. Where were the poison darts, boiling lava and lethal giant trundling boulders? As far as I’m concerned, if Harrison can’t roll, charge, swing or leap out of airplanes in inflatable dinghies, it’s time he retired the whip. Even swarms of killer ants failed to add menace to the picture. It simply felt like the movie suffered from an ant infestation.

On one occasion, Indy escapes a pit of dry quicksand when it’s BARELY UP TO HIS CHEST. His chest! And if he’d been left there, it might have been up to his chin by the end of the movie. The only thing in any mortal danger was the sense of drama.

I’m still not sure what the story was about. Something about a crystal skull which has to be brought somewhere or other for some reason or other. Even the skull was a disappointment; far from being a special effects triumph of glass with fully functional hinged jaw, it looked more like a gob of fluorescent chewing gum.

The arch villain, Irina Spalko, stumbled into the film after taking a wrong turn on her way to a Bond movie. In a brave career move, Cate Blanchett brings an evil pantsuit to the role which makes her arse look about three times bigger than it is. Spalko spends a lot of time and energy running around after a big gob of fluroescent chewing gum, when she could have fulfilled her vocation as a dominatrix by simply stealing Indy’s whip. I spent most of the movie fantasising about being spanked by Cate Blanchett.

Unfortunately, the fantasy was better than the film

Comments on: "Indiana Jones and the Big Gob of Fluorescent Chewing Gum" (8)

  1. Bugger – was looking forward to enjoying this one, but I feared they might tinker with a tried and true formula. It’s just that we haven’t had 17 or so Indy’s to tire of the old formula – so unlike the Bond franchise there was no need for a rethink. Sure everyone gets older, but hey there’s always CGI, and with Steven and George there I would have thought it would be a no-brainer that this would be an excellent romp through 1945. Maybe I should avoid and instead watch the next brainless offering from Hollywood – or not – the next Pixar offering WALL.E looks interesting… even if it’s a kids film.

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    It was so distressing, I couldn’t finish my bumper pack of Maltesers even if Andrew hadn’t eaten them before I noticed. It should have been outstanding. I think many of the film’s issues spring from pure laziness. It’s like George and Steve went, ‘So this formula – what were the ingredients again? Was it 500g of knife-edge thrills? Eh, who cares? They’ll eat it anyway.’

    But hey – don’t let me put you off! I’d be interested to know what you make of it; just don’t put off anything more interesting like delousing the cat to see it

  3. Zube said:

    I think you went into this expecting too much. Was it likely that they would be able to rekindle the charm of Raiders? No. But it was a plesant enough romp amd should not have left you feeling burnt when you left the cinema.

    Now, if you wnt to see a film, i mean FILM, go see Speed Racer. You will either Love it or Hate it (i’m in the former camp) but it leaves no middle ground.

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Expectations my arse – it was a bad movie. There were so many ways it could have been better; for example, had it been equipped with a storyline instead of aliens. Had Irina Spalkov’s brain melted out her ears instead of exploding. Had Shia LaBeouf given an ironic Tarzan yodel when he swung off on his CGI tree journey. See? Those are just three examples I’ve come up with in 5 minutes. How hard can it be?

    WHILE I’M ON THE SUBJECT, another thing that completely monked me off was Ray Winstone’s double/triple agent who everyone knows is rotten – because you can see it coming from the CINEMA CARPARK – yet, just when there is a shred of AMBIGUITY about his character, he is shown scattering transmitters about the place. WHY? Am I not intelligent enough to figure it out without being BLUDGEONED TO CINEMATIC DEATH?

    Evidently not.

    Burnt? I feel like someone has brutally assaulted my childhood legacy

  5. Wow

    You really love movies dont you!
    It’s great to see someone so passionate about them these days. Moving pictures aint what they used to be. I’m left wondering if they werent all crap, and we were just looking at them through a childs eye of wonder.

    I challenge you – apart from Serenity and Shooter – what OTHER films have been absolutely brilliant lately? I’m not taking the piss here – I just cant get motivated about anything on the silver screen lately (except maybe Ironman or the upcoming Dark Knight flick).

    C’mon Niamh – money where your heart is…..

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    Hmm. I see you and raise you. Bear in mind we don’t go to the movies much, and often buy or download films months after their original release.

    Ok, here goes:-

    Rambo: Splattering Viscera
    Really surprisingly good. We didn’t set out to watch it, but kind of saw it by chance.

    Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
    Not sure when it came out, but terrific movie

    Little Miss Sunshine
    As above, but one of those movies that stayed with me for a while

    Blades of Glory
    Am a bit taken aback to find myself an unwilling Will Ferrell fan. This film made me laugh till I got cramps

    The Lookout
    Totally blown away by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but the whole movie was pretty crunchy

    Die Hard: Live Free or Die Harder
    Just awesome, Bruce Willis rocks!

    The Bourne Ultimatum
    Big fan of the trilogy. Almost intelligent entertainment. Bourne kicks Bond’s ass

    I want to see ‘Dan in Real Life’ – have heard it’s good. We don’t go to the cinema much, so when we do it’s a treat.

    I know what you mean about what is on offer these days. I feel movies trade story for special effects. They also seem to be less intelligent – maybe films are catering for a younger demographic, but I don’t feel that’s enough excuse

  7. Hmmmm

    Rambo 4?

    RAMBO 4?????

    Girl – you are on DRUGS! 🙂

    But – in the spirit of honesty I have posted 5 movies on my blog that I’m not sure I should be proud of loving – but do anyway. Enjoy and be kind in your comments 🙂

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Oh come on! Rambo 4 is pure, distilled, Class A finest grade entertainment. One of the best nights out I’ve had in ages

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