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Snot vapour

Four days ago, I contracted a headcold. Prickly throat, grumpy cough. It was mild to inclement, as colds go. I self medicated with 5000mg of calcium in powder format, and congratulated myself on my stoicism in the face of disease.

Turned out the cold was just warming up. Yesterday morning, it struck me down in my prime. I am currently a scene of carnage: small, rubbery red eyes; backfiring lungs; my throat an acrid furnace; snot exploding from every orifice and several pores. It might be the calcium.

All I felt like doing was lying in bed, moaning in between sips of brandy. Unfortunately, I was flying to London. I was going to decant a few million milligrams of calcium powder into an empty jar, but feared Security might think it was cocaine. So I didn’t. Doesn’t seem to have done me much good, *cough!*

My ears popped with unprecedented violence on the plane and have not fully unpopped. Chantal met me at Liverpool Street Tube Station. Conversation was tricky, because everything sounded like it was under water. Or it might just have been the effect of a dense, humid cloud of snot vapour


Comments on: "Snot vapour" (10)

  1. Oh dear god! Here I am, reading this, alone in a thin-walled guest house bedroom and I just want to roar with laughter. While I am sorry for you, and wish you good health speedily, your post was truly hilarious, you stunningly talented little Irish writing bunny, you.

    Bizarre but true, Barcelona was simpler and cheaper to reach than your place but next time, I am coming to visit you. Come back soon. xo

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Hey darlin! The commenty of errors (hahaha I crack myself up) was mine, in that I inadvertently posted the same post twice. I deleted the (marginally) older post, because I much prefer this comment of yours, referring as it does to hilarious, stunningly talented, Irish and bunnies x

  3. Goodness – I’m just trying to work out how Calcium cures a cold…

    Nope – still not getting it

    I hope you’re feeling better soon; nothing’s worse than traveling when you’re that crook.
    Just a week or so until Flax – hope you’re feeling 100% soon.

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Thanks MJ – feeling a bit better this am; less of the exploding snot thank goodness!

    As for calcium curing colds, I am convinced that is an old wives’ tale, an urban myth, some crap the doctor came up with – because I have been eating the stuff wholesale for a week with not a shred of improvement x

  5. Bet your bones are top notch tho….

  6. Calcium … thanks for dealing with that Mark, I was too laughter-filled and sympathetic to remember to ask ‘What the hell?’when one reads of the calcium cure.

  7. Then again, Mark … sorry Ms DJ but Mark, wouldn’t you do everything your mum told you if she had a cute little Irish accent. I would have been so messed up.

    Although your mum does have a cute NZ accent I guess but Irish accents slay me.

  8. Jay-sus. Yah may b’ right at that cherub. 🙂

  9. deadlyjelly said:

    Actually . . . it wasn’t calcium, sorry. No wonder I wasn’t getting better. Of course I meant cocaine

  10. deadlyjelly said:

    No, I mean Vitamin C. That’s right

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