The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Me: When I was about eight, I was a Brownie. After school, Brown Owl and Lone-Wolf-Or-Whatever-Her-Name-Was used to collect us from school and walk us to the LPYMA, and one day they left me behind-

Husband: You were late, weren’t you?

Me: What? I was eight! It’s not as if I was loitering behind the school shed smoking reefers or graffiting the basketball court. I was probably skipping adorably innocently in the playground-

Husband: Well, it’s no wonder they left you behind if you were late-

Me: I WAS EIGHT! I can’t believe you’re trying to condone this! There’s no excuse for leaving an eight year old behind! It’s phenomenally irresponsible! My parents entrusted their precious charge to the care of Brown Owl and Rutting-Wolf-Or-Whatever-Her-Name-Was, and they FORGOT ME!

Husband: <silence>

Niamh: How can I make this come alive for you? Is it the way I tell it? Can you not picture me in my horrible little brown uniform, weeping inconsolably in the playground alone and abandoned in the world?

Husband: So, was that the story?

Me: No! But I’m not going to tell you the rest if you’re going to SCOLD me 28 years after the event when I’m, like, 450% older and you weren’t even THERE

Husband: I won’t-

Niamh: TOO LATE!

Husband: Ok, I’m sorry

Niamh: All right. Anyway, Brown Owl came back for me and took me to Brownies on her motorbike! And it was the highlight of my whole life

Husband: Really? How long was the journey?

Niamh: About two minutes. But it was a very intense experience

Husband: I see. Were you wearing a helmet?

Niamh: No

Husband: Brown Owl really was irresponsible, wasn’t she?


Husband: And this was the highlight of your entire life?

Niamh: It is now that I’ve demoted our wedding day after you were mean to me


Comments on: "Moulting-Wolf-Or-Whatever-Her-Name-Was" (4)

  1. deadlyjelly said:

    Um, it might have been Tawny Owl

  2. He has to learn … that Andrew.

    I was calling Gert’s adherence to our wedding vows in to question today. I have to call the friend who married us and just find out what was actually said, it being in Dutch and all … a painless way to remarry but it does leave one a little cloudy on what kind of commitment was made.

    He was no help and actually turned into a bit of a giggling Gert at work, as I may have escalated the whole thing.

    He and Andrew must never spend time together. I can see they will bond over issues like our irresponsibility and things. Mark’s going to be troublesome enough … I think they will join forces and mock me …

    Anyway, I could imagine your pain. I was a Brownie for about 3 weeks of my life. Actually … thinking back, I do believe that was the first time I realised I could just say no. On the bright side, they did teach me how to wash and dry a sharp knife safely but enough is enough.

  3. “I think they will join forces and mock me …”

    I’m so hurt Di
    As if I needed to join forces to mock thee rightly 🙂

  4. Niamh, I have similarly traumatic memories of Brownies!

    Would you believe I got sacked from being the Fairy Godmother in the Brownie pantomime, because I was so rubbish? It wouldn’t have been so bad, but my sister was playing Cinderella – ggrgrrr! So I had to be the king (i.e. Prince Charming’s dad) – a made-up character with just one line “Welcome to my ball!” Some fool had tried to paint a moustache on me and made such a bad job of it that my dad, squinting from the audience in the drafty church hall, asked my mum if I had dinner round my mouth.

    Needless to say, I never made it into the Guides, The initiation ceremony involved leaping over a giant plastic toadstool, which for some reason I found petrifying!

    &… xxx

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