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Hint of humping

So here’s the thing: I like hugs. I do. Ask Husband, he’ll tell you. Sometimes there is no substitute for a cuddle (except possibly a hot water bottle, which – if you are planning ahead – retains heat for longer and can be specifically applied. But I would always try to score a hug AND a hot water bottle).

I understand someone wanting to touch me, or even press their body longingly against mine, but this post is not inspired by anyone in particular. Except for one person. Haha, only joking. Generally speaking, friends, family and random bystanders show admirable restraint in my presence.

The other day, I spent the morning writing in the library at New Lynn before breaking for lunch at Organics. There is a small fenced-in section off the side of the shop, where I settled with my soya latte and freshly baked pizza slice.

I was joined by a man who could have been any age between 20 and 50. He had the fresh, glowing look of someone who has been a vegan since birth and moisturises twice a day. He didn’t hug me because he wasn’t THAT weird, but said ‘hello’ as if he were thrilled if not borderline emotional to see me.

I cautiously returned his greeting, mainly because there were only two tables and he was in closer proximity than my latte. However, I rustled the newspaper to indicate my unavailability for discussion about negative energy, felafel chakras and the importance of spelt.

He chatted away regardless. About halfway through the conversation, the shop assistant came to announce she was leaving. This had little to no relevance to me. I mean, I suppose I was sad. She was nice. But on the other hand, she was finishing work, so I was happy for her. And to put it in perspective, I had only met her for the first time that day and thus far our relationship was largely to exclusively based on a formal transaction involving my requesting and paying for a soya latte and slice of pizza.

However, my buddy was evidently quite affected by her imminent departure and stood to give her a hug. And there came a point where I’m thinking, surely this qualifies as coitus with clothes on? Because it has got to be within an organic unbleached fine handspun cotton thread’s breadth of it. I was thinking not so much ‘get a room’, as ‘get the director and the stunt dildo’.

They were still clinched up by the time I had finished an article on the global economic crisis. I tried to carry on reading, but it was difficult not to be distracted by the distinct hint of humping.

Seriously, as a general rule of thumb, 2 seconds is sufficient for a heartfelt hug. Note: maybe 3 seconds for special occasions i.e. birthdays, anniversaries, fresh toast and Fridays

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Comments on: "Hint of humping" (13)

  1. solartap said:

    You included “spelt” in the tags!

    You do tickle me ๐Ÿ™‚

    In think that there must have been a preexisting bond between your 20ish – 50ish vegan and the organic shopkeeper. Maybe they just got caught up in the moment and saw you as a sympathetic bystander who would instantly appreciate the star torn nature of their romance (what with her leaving and all) ….

    hmmmmm… then again, maybe not and he was just a dirty old man.

    Did she seem to be enjoying the clinch or did she looked startled?

  2. vetinarii said:

    I don’t want to know what a “stunt dildo” is. No, that’s not true. I don’t *want* to want to know, but I do. Can you recommend any multimedia educational materials on the subject?

  3. I’m thinking a stunt dildo is something that that a regular dildo uses when he/she/it has a no-nudity clause in their contract….

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    She was right into the clinch. There was hint of humping on both sides. Although I might appreciate – even sympathise – with star crossed lovers, I just don’t want graphic demonstrations, is all.

    Vetinarii, I’m impressed with your probing, questing mind. I am sorry to say I have not come across many stunt dildos. Thanks MarkJ for providing the answer; I know I can always count on you

  5. solartap said:

    I had thought a stunt dildo was less about the nudity and more about the danger. You know the sort of thing, when a regular dildo might be placed in dangerous environments (???) or put under extreme conditions (twisting, severe bending, squashing, etc). It makes my eyes water just to think about it.

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    You have a point. Although Julia Roberts used a stunt bottom in ‘Pretty Woman’ and I don’t think her backside was in any danger – at least not at the START of ‘Pretty Woman’

  7. solartap said:

    I think Julia Roberts had a body double or a bottom double rather than a stunt one. I feel sure that a stunt bottom would be able to do tricks and take punishment.

  8. Was “she” the pretty serving girl wearing the red top and hipster jeans today?

    If so I’m really disappointed, although you have to give me points for taking in the view while I so adeptly carried on a conversation with you at the same time. Who said men cant multi-task!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    My choice on lunch next time. The Mad Butchers – here we come ! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. deadlyjelly said:

    You’re right. ‘Julia’s bottom’ just rolled around on a bed, which – unless there were knives or scissors or certain types of fish tangled up in the duvet – is hardly hard work.

    No MJ, there was a different set of staff in there yesterday. Perhaps next time we will go when ‘she’ is on duty; I know she administers hugs with hint of humping so, you know, she might be up for a free chocolate brownie. Or at least a discount.

    Although I awarded you points for taking in view while conducting conversation, I deducted points for your wimping out of trying a slice of vegetarian pizza. Which means you would be even – except that you were already riding a deficit of points for whimpering when you entered the establishment

  10. Fair enough ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. One of my *interesting* memories of Rome is the nature of the public displays of affection.

    The man who mounted his clothed girlfriend doggy style in the park was just as gross as the girl who had fully unzipped her pants and guided her boyfriends hand down them. In broad daylight. Next to the playground where my children were.

    Maybe I’m just jealous. My husband, a Belgian, hugs me when I *request* to be hugged. Being Italian-American, I dream of a man who will take a little interest in physical contact outside of the bedroom.

  12. deadlyjelly said:

    Oh. My. God. NOOO!

    I am FAR too prudish for that sort of carry-on. My sensibilities were irreparably damaged when I witnessed a couple shagging under a seat in the student union at the age of seventeen.

    My husband is not one to campaign for public displays of affection. I like to tell myself it means more when he holds my hand for several milliseconds, or pushes me off chairs etc.

    Then again, I once had to have a boyfriend surgically removed at the end of the affair. So I’m content with my husband’s level of physical contact. Better than having someone grafted onto you all day.

    By the way, you should try *demanding* hugs, supported with bribery and threats. Works a treat

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