The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Trademe brings out my competitive nature which, as anyone who knows me KNOWS, is venomous and occasionally deadly. Since battering my rivals into submission with $20 to win an espresso machine, I have successfully bidded on a leather motorbike jacket ($10), a Fairydown waterproof top ($10), a Monsoon silk blouse ($9), and a pink leopard faux fur square ($5). And a few other sundries.

I spend a lot of time on the site, although not as much as Husband would have you believe. I think it worth mentioning that, if you count his motorbike, he has spent wads more wazoo on Trademe than I have. 

I have had some negative experiences. I purchased a Sean O’Casey book from a woman who did not provide bank account details and tried to claim her $0.03 success fee back from Trademe. When she finally answered my third email, she charged me $4.50 for shipping – or 2.5 times the cost of the book – but when I received the package, she had bunged a $1.00 stamp on it that she had probably steamed off another letter.

After a trade, the buyer/seller exchanges feedback. Generally people stick with the yellow smiley face, because if you give someone a red angry face, they might retaliate which will affect your rating. So even though I wanted to give this woman feedback along the lines of: ‘This trader is not to be trusted!!!!!!!!! Timewaster!!!!!!!!!! Probably tortures kittens!!!!!!!!!!’, I resisted.

Recently, I kept my nerve during tense stand-off to win a pair of size 10 Levis stretch bootcut jeans for $5.50. Here is the feedback the seller gave me:-

‘Thank you for the trade.’

“That’s not feedback!” I shouted at Husband. “She’s trying to pass off the bare minimum of manners as feedback! It really MONKS ME OFF!”

“Gosh,” said Husband, “you get really annoyed with someone thanking you, don’t you?”

“Well, in this context, YES! I am a fabulous trader, a model of delicious loveliness. If the trader automatically provides their bank account details, I pay as soon as I win the auction. I send an email to confirm payment. I am all, ‘Hi, I hope you are the grandest, many kind regards, please accept this complimentary set of tuning forks-‘”


“Oh, don’t be so literal. And then this SLAG has the GALL- the AUDACITY- to say THANK YOU! But I showed her.”

“What – did you give her negative feedback?”

“Not exactly. But I said – get this. I said, ‘thanks for the trade’.”

“But isn’t that the same as her feedback?”

“No! She said, ‘thank you for the trade’, but I said ‘THANKS for the trade’. See how she likes that!”

“Yeah honey, you really showed her.”

When they arrived, the jeans were not only dirty rotten fakes, they were an American size 10 i.e. four sizes too big for me.

I added the trader to my blacklist, which resulted in such inner satisfaction that you can expect a lot more small minded pettiness out of me


Comments on: "Model of delicious loveliness" (5)

  1. You tell ’em. No petty-mindedness is too small for such a callow, if callow is the word I want, waste of electrons. Feedback? Pshaw.

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Exactly! I might go EVEN SMALLER next time

  3. solartap said:

    Thanks for your post! 😛

  4. Damn, now that I know American size 10 jeans are four sizes too big for you, I am forced by the rules of the Sisterhood of the Much Bigger Pants to despise your skinny ass.

    So sorry. It had been so good between us up until now.

  5. deadlyjelly said:

    There is an awful lot of stuffing/squashing/swearing involved in getting my arse into a pair of size 10s. Please, I value our friendship. I feel it reached a new level after you called my backside ‘skinny’

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