Me: I’m here to collect a package, here’s the slip <presents slip>.
Assistant: Are you Mr Husband?
Me: No. I’m his wife.
Assistant: This parcel is registered mail, so Mr Husband Shaw must collect it himself. Unless you have his ID with you?
Me: No. Listen, isn’t there anything you can do? I’ve just driven in specially. It’s a thirty minute drive – closer to an hour, really. Also, if I don’t return home with his package, Husband will beat me.
Assistant: I am very sorry.
Me: Not as sorry as I am. How about I give you my ID?
Assistant: Well . . . Look, we’re not really supposed to do this . . . but maybe I can make an exception just this once-
Me: Oh, you are a wonderful specimen of the human race.
Assistant: What are the contents of the package?
Me: Um. I’m not sure. Probably some deeply geeky computer device, or a motorbike cranky rotor thingy-
Assistant: You don’t know?
Me <watching package slip from grasp, which is still relatively metaphorical at this point>: Oh, COME ON! Husband probably doesn’t know either. In fact, there are most likely only three people in the whole WORLD who could tell you the specific contents of this package-
Assistant: I am very sorry, but you understand, you could be just anyone-
Me: But I’m not just anyone! -hey, I tell you what, how about I CALL Husband, and he’ll tell you who I am.
Assistant: <looks dubious>
Me: Just a- one moment- wait- <dials Husband> Hello, snarfly snugglebuns? It’s me, YOUR WIFE. Listen, I’m at the post office collecting your package. Can you just have a quick word with <examines name tag> Harissa here?
Me: <hands mobile to Harissa>
Harissa: Hello, this woman says you are her husband. Is this correct?
Harissa: Ok, that’s fine, bye.
Harissa <returning phone>: Just sign here. Sorry about all that, it’s just that for security reasons-
Me: I understand perfectly. And I, for one, am comforted to know that NZ Post goes to such lengths to ensure the security of not just my mail and my husband’s mail and my husband’s husband’s mail, but the mail of everyone throughout the land