The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

So the next post was to be an account of the great road trip home from Oamaru. I am pure MORTIFIED to be writing about it so long after the event. At least two weeks’ hindsight bathes the trip in a warm, rosy tint – what I can recall of it.

Although we were sailing the following day, we planned on hitting the road early. At least, that was MY plan. Husband being an off-the-cuff, extemporaneous, free-spirited, spontaneously impromptu, much like a dandelion in the wind sort of type (i.e. completely disorganized), he decided to plaster Her Goatiness’s kitchen around the time we should have been blazing a north bound trail out of Timaru.

Then he and Agent of Death disappeared in the Red Truck, and reappeared with a MIG welder.

For anyone wondering why a MIG welder was required for the journey home, I never quite got to the bottom of this. I asked Husband, and he said its purpose was: ‘to weld stuff’. So now you know as much as I do.

There followed some heated discussion about how to transport the MIG welder, along with three times as much baggage as I had arrived with – and that’s not counting the emotional variety.

Since the welder was roughly the width of the car, Husband suggested lashing it to the roof rack. Then he debated the merits of lashing the cool box to the roof rack – and the dog – or maybe the dog would fit IN the cool box – except the cool box was full of blue cod, lamb chops, abalone and dead ducks.

By this stage, I was all for lashing Husband to the roof rack, but we eventually fitted everything in the boot in a precariously wedged jumble of bags, MIG welder, cool box, camping chairs, and dog.

The journey from Oamaru to Picton was largely unmemorable. In Picton, we stayed in pet-friendly Aldan Lodge Motel (which I would have no hesitation recommending unreservedly but for their website featuring a picture of some slut with savage seventies hairdo in a bathtub. Our studio unit had a shower, which was thankfully accessorized only with a soap dispenser).

The following morning we were up at 05:20hrs to catch the 06:05 Interislander ferry. True to form, we set off later than ideal; tensions flared when I thought Husband was about to drive over a two-foot high kerb and let out a piercing scream; then – and I’m still not sure how we managed this given that every road sign in Picton directs you to the Interislander – the ferry, after all, being the whole POINT of Picton – we got lost on the way to the terminal.

But that was all so much dramatic tension: we made the crossing. We took our time driving up from Wellington and, about 30km south of Turangi, turned west off the Desert Road towards Mount Ruapehu. After driving a few kilometers up a gravel road, we stopped to introduce Jed to snow.

And here’s another, this time without the same extent of puppy talk and insane, spine-chilling cackling:-

That evening, we stayed at Creel Lodge. The following morning, I hauled Husband out of bed at 06:30 for a walk along the Tongariro River. Husband claimed he was still technically asleep, but that didn’t stop him bitchin’ about the hour of morning and how <expletive deleted> cold it was. He was more unimpressed than I’ve seen him in a long while.

His mood lightened imperceptibly with the dawn and my offer of a hat. However, he was cast back into the black abyss of despair when I produced my cream beanie with the cutest little tomato-stalk design feature on the crown. He must have been really very chilly, because he also donned my baby-blue fleece. Regrettably there is no photographic evidence, but even if there were, I would not be allowed post it: Husband censors graphic images and any mention of his entertaining inability to process alcohol.

Later that day, we stopped in Cambridge to take Jed for another walk. Generally, Husband and I pride ourselves on being entirely responsible dog owners, but we let the side down at Te Koutu Lake Reserve, when Jed plunged into the lake and struck out towards a group of ducks. Husband and I were rendered useless with fits of giggles; we couldn’t even gasp a squeaky recall between the pair of us.

Jed’s such a great pussy that if one of the ducks had quacked sideways at him, he would have been out of the lake yelping and trying to crawl up my leg. Thankfully, none of the ducks savaged him – or us. We all arrived home largely intact in mind, body and spirit – although Husband’s sanity was mildly dented

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Comments on: "Ducks: a savage species" (7)

  1. solartap said:

    The videos are very sweet and Jed looks like loads of fun. Listening to Andrew repeatedly tell you to “get on your arse” is just “special”.

    You may have stepped over some kind of line with the ” Her Royal Goatiness’s” comment though – wars have been fought over less – just ask the big endians.

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Jed is terrific fun. Of course, so is Andrew, especially when trying to coax me onto my arse.

    You will be glad to hear I approved Her Royal Goatiness’s official internet title with my mother in law. Although she felt it wasn’t the most flattering form of address, she couldn’t suggest any better alternatives. I think she was secretly pleased it wasn’t MUCH worse.

    x

  3. Cian said:

    Those videos are hilarious. Jed is so gorgeous. I have just been in fits in giggles. Good way to start the morning.

    You got lost in Picton!!! – I love it… For anybody who does not know Picton (and I didn’t) – maps.google.com please. 3 streets less than 1km journey….

    But staying at the Ald@n L0dge (it would be unfair for these posts to come up on google searches) – did you not think twice when you saw on their website, the link for “BookMe Now” and the picture of Heather in the bath. You can’t be that naive surely, the accomodation was for free you know. So you actually paid for services which (I assume) were not rendered. Of course if tell me that you did not see the internet page till you got home, or that services were rendered – well that is a different story…

    …OMG – I have just discovered a trove of Youtube videos – Don’t worry they are just yours and none are set at the above premises. This will keep me giggling for days!

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Well, I am automatically a fan of anyone who thinks my dog is gorgeous! He is also frightfully delicious. More evidence of this claim to follow soon.

    Bless, Aldan Lodge was actually top class. Mind you, anywhere in New Zealand that doesn’t feature fake wood panelling and/or art deco wallpaper qualifies as ‘top class’.

    Ah, um, yeah, hmm. Just remembered the vid I took at the top of Nipple Hill aka Hadley’s Hump. All I can say is: watch out for your ears 🙂

    x

  5. Cian said:

    Oh man the vid from Hadley’s Hump is too funny!!! Congralutions on not being divorced for crimes against humanity.

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    I’m pleading temporary insanity as a defence 😀

    x

  7. […] to bring up our children. For a while we considered Picton, but rejected it as too far away from Her Goatiness and Agent of Death; we also spent some time skulking around Queenstown but decided it was too . . . you know . . . too […]

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