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The other day, Husband and I returned from our daily walk. We were cold, wet and covered in mud and . . . there was no water. It wasn’t a broken water pump or a dead pigeon blocking the pipe: our tank was OUT OF WATER.

Running out of water in the Waitakeres is something akin to running out of sand in the desert or porn on the Internet or bacteria in a chippie. In other words: so improbable as to be statistically impossible.

“But didn’t you check the water level when you cleaned the filter?” I wailed, desperately – yet cunningly. This was a fell blow on two counts: not only administering a verbal Chinese burn for being out of water, but also suggestive that Husband was not cleaning the filter on a monthly basis.

Which he wasn’t.

Hey, it’s not MY job. Husband and I have clearly delineated duties. I am responsible for cooking, grocery shopping, book-keeping, timely coffee supply, phoning, dog maintenance, dishwashing, mopping, dusting, laundry including ironing and clothespegs, picture framing and Christmas/birthday cards. When I say Husband is responsible for everything else, well. Not to be dismissive, but there’s not much left: car and bike maintenance, laptop support, general DIY, any soldering and/or welding, garbage relocation, fencing, water blasting, and monthly cleaning of the goddamn water filter.

When we first moved into the house, the tank was sourced by the creek. However, several sources – some of them reliable – had it that possum piss is hazardous to human health, so Husband rerouted runoff from the roof. Cursory investigation revealed the inlet pipe to the tank had come away from the gutters.

I didn’t want to order a tank of water, because – quite apart from the cost – it would undoubtedly spark a rainstorm that would rage for months, causing rivers to burst their banks, driving innocent Aucklanders from their homes and flooding farms. That’s what happened shortly after moving into the house, when after weeks of drought, we ordered a tank of water. Whereupon it rained solidly for the next three days.

So Husband reaffixed the inlet pipe, in addition to collecting water from the creek. For days, I have boiled water to wash dishes, instead of wasting water by running the hot tap; I did not run the shower before getting in (chilly); I have brushed my teeth in half a cup of water; laundry has piled up in the garage.

But today Husband was out water blasting the MR2, so I guess our crisis is over.

Either that, or it was an emergency


Comments on: "Boiled possum piss doesn’t taste so bad" (14)

  1. Cian said:

    Garbage Relocation – that has to be one of the best glorified terms I have ever heard. I love it!

    In order to live happy ever after – I would recommend joint ownership of the Christmas/Birthday Cards. So in future rather than buying your own cards (a bit sad and pathetic) get Husband to buy the cards for himself and Jed to give to you.

    At the risk of being banned, but it is just out of curiosity, does being in charge of phoning include paying the phone bill? (I might know the answer to this as I have not clarified what paying the phone bill involves…)

    Who goes out for a daily walk and returns covered in mud (besides Jed)? I am thinking that there was a mud fight over a misplaced clothespeg with neither of you taking responsibility.

    p.s. excellent blog post title by the way! and I am glad that you have water again. Currently in Ireland we have no shortage of it either…

    p.p.s. I would like to point out to other readers that only using a half a cup of water to brush your teeth is normal (unless they are false). You do not need any more water than that. Remember when brushing ensure that your taps are switched off. Together we can reduce water wastage!

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Husband responds better when I say, “Can you please relocate the garbage, dear?” instead of: “For the hundredth time, will you ever put out the rubbish?”

    Ok, let me address your questions in order.

    If we took joint ownership of Christmas/Birthday cards, then only half our friends and family would receive them. The only person Husband buys cards for is me. Aw, I feel special.

    Being in charge of phoning does not include payment of bill. That falls under being in charge of book-keeping.

    Who goes out for a walk and returns covered in mud? – yes, that would be everyone. At the tail-end of winter, the bush trails are more like mud slides. Great fun, but the mud is explosive. Also, Jed has recently got attached to a rubber ball which he likes to fetch ad nauseum; if you don’t throw it for him fast enough, he likes to jam it into your leg or crotch, kind of a reminder that it needs a good throwing. So not only do you get mud smears up the legs, your throwing arm ends up dripping too.

    Thank you, delighted you like the title.

    Now that we have water again, I am pleased to report that I am back to brushing my teeth with hot and cold taps on full throttle. I like to spray water in my mouth while brushing for the ultimate power-clean – takes care of my face at the same time. On balance, I’m sure it saves water. Saves time, anyway.


  3. Cian said:

    I think I should of clarified the joint ownership of the Cards – In a man’s world (come of think of it – in everybody’s world) joint ownership is not a 50% even split. The split happens where it suits. As long as Husband buys, writes and gives you Cards well then that is joint ownership. Of course I understand your point and am not trying to disagree.

    But he really should be getting cards from Jed to you too. Come to think of it, if you have any Teddy Bears he should be procuring cards for them too. And I think that it will work for inanimate objects too (obviously the Bears would be animate) so after a good defrosting and cleaning of the freezer, the freezer should send you a Thank You card and possibly some flowers (unless you have an allergy) and some valrhona organic milk chocolate. Before anybody thinks I want to line the pockets of Hallmark shareholders a selection of the cards should be homemade.

    The ultimate power clean is not a bad idea. I think that I might take the idea further and combine with a shower and perhaps a shave. Razor in one hand tooth brush in the other. Since we don’t have water meters here yet, I think that I should take full advantage. Besides after the wonderful Irish summer the reservoirs must be overflowing and flooding the surrounding land. By saving water I might just be adding to habitat destruction.

    I love the term ‘Garbage Relocation’ today as much as I did yesterday.

    My goal today seems to be to fill up the internet with an irrelevant blog post. I think I have succeeded. Obviously the internet is not full but I did manage the irrelevant post part. Then again I managed that yesterday too.

  4. deadlyjelly said:



  5. solartap said:

    Hmmmmmm, will no-one defend Andrew? As I can’t imagine him conducting sneak attacks or responding in kind, I guess that leaves it to me 😛

    Firstly, I notice you have decided what the division of labour is and it very much seems to favour your own interests!

    Secondly, and more importantly, I have personally seen Andrew cook, grocery shop, brew coffee, wash dishes and make phone calls.

    Thirdly, on his last trip to Dubai, to prepare the house for rental, he did much mopping and dusting, not to mention painting, plastering, plumbing and assorted electrical works.

    So what on your demanding list, so clearly delineated, is left to your industrious hands and mind?

    · Book-keeping – this, of course, has nothing to do with your control freakery!
    · Dog maintenance – not at all a labour of love and as you both walk the dog it seems as though this chore is shared.
    · Laundry including ironing and clothespegs – this is definitely your hands down major chore and I fully salute you. I abhor this activity so much that I send everything out, yep undies included, to be laundered.
    · Picture framing – if you are not running an establishment like the Louvre, this is pretty much meh.

    Oh, and as for the christmas/birthday card thing, are you aware that this is one of those things that girls do which guys do not need to? No one else cares whether we send them or not.

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    What a scurrilous attack on my character – and not only mine, Husband’s as well! To suggest that Andrew is incapable of defending himself – have you no shame? If he were there, he would beat you savagely with whatever manner of heavy object happened to be at hand, and then stamp on your head. Or something.

    Since I am afraid of the sort of response Husband would leave, the savage might and awe of which might extend beyond the Net and cause considerable damage to your person, I will take it upon myself to address your crass comments.

    (By the way, I forgot to add ‘defense of joint honour’ to my list of duties above.)

    FIRSTLY, I did not decide what the division of labour is. That was simply the way the potty cracked.

    SECONDLY, perhaps you have but not within my context.

    THIRDLY, on his last trip to Dubai, he did a WHOLE SHITLOAD of mopping, dusting, painting, plastering, plumbing and assorted electrical works, and you forgot interviewing tenants, assessing maintenance companies, setting up the lease agreement and general awesomeness, which I believe I covered in the post

    FOURTHLY, I hate to correct you, but book-keeping has everything to do with control freakery.

    FIFTHLY, you have obviously never owned a dog. Preparation of Jed’s food involves a proximity to green tripe which should be patented as a unique form of torture. I also take him to the vet, and recent events indicate I am in charge of picking giant ticks off his dick.

    SIXTHLY, yeah well all right then.

    SEVENTHLY, meh.



  7. solartap said:

    I was gonna refute your refuting point by point but i couldn’t stop laughing at your “Eighthly” point.

  8. Cian said:

    Please please please less about Jed’s bits…

  9. deadlyjelly said:

    Cian – Jed has decided to follow a lucrative career as a porn star (his alias is German Shepherd). You’ll LOVE the pics.


  10. Cian said:

    Oh – animal porn – Of course that it totally acceptable (as long as the ticks are not the stars). As I am at work, I shall refrain from suggesting appropriate web links at this time. Would it be cruel to suggest that the next time you are home you could check the computer images cache for ideas? Juicy Girls are past there sell by date by now.

    I would tell Jed to get a new alias as I hear that German stuff gets a bit rough and he might get typecast for S&M with that name. He might also be expected to have interracial experiences with sheep. Of course that might be something he will be into when he grows up. Personally I think The Jedster is perfect.

    Mentioning porn and the recent post on Lego – did you know that they have lego porn on the internet where the minifigs are getting it on?

  11. Cian said:

    …their sell by date…

  12. deadlyjelly said:

    Dude, you spend FAR too much time on the internet. Lego porn? Now THAT’S sick.

    I will pass on your advice to Jed. So far, he has not been above interanimate relations with a particularly sluttish tree. I don’t know whether his heart is really in it; I think he’s more into straight exhibitionism myself.


  13. Cian said:

    Internal Debate on the answers so not sure which I am going for.

    1. I like to think that I am efficient in my Internet usage and I have vastly superior brain power and memory, so I just process information quicker than most and I remember everything.

    2. Well it is your fault that I spend the amount of time on it that I do. Do you know how much of an effort it is to stalk you? I have now found that it is not enough to just read your blog, but now you have gotten me reading others (well three other of your posters) I thought about stalking in person, but NZ is just too far. Well then there was your family, but the risk of getting stabbed in Limerick (if memory serves correct) just outweighs any possible benefit.

    So I have decided to go with neither, because 1. makes me sound pompous and 2. is beginning to freak even me out and then again I have no interest in being, and would be crap as, a stalker.

  14. deadlyjelly said:

    Cian – don’t sell yourself short. I am sure with your vastly superior brain power and memory, you could be anything you wanted to be, even a stalker. Live your dream!


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