The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

For nearly two weeks, I have been lost without Internet access. It’s been a disaster. I haven’t been able to use my landline, update Deadlyjelly, check email, surf Wikipedia, buy crap on Trademe, find out the history of fleur de lis, look up Maori face tattoos, view photos of drunk strangers on Facebook, or research the reproductive cycle of the fruit fly.

On the upside, this has freed up HOURS every day; in the region of six. I have done loads of writing.

This morning, Slingshot called to tell me I was back online. ONLY KIDDING! Haha, got you there. Of course they didn’t, because that would involve a modicum of proactivity and/or basic customer care.

Instead, I fought the crushing miasma of despair and hopelessness to fire up my browser in the unlikely to improbable event Slingshot had fixed the problem. I mean, last Saturday during my bi-daily call, I was told I would be back online within 24-48 hours, but that’s one of the things they say to snuff out your will to live. Because it’s not as if I hadn’t heard it before – on no less than five occasions during the previous 12 days.

Of course Slingshot offered to recompense me for any downtime and inconvenience. ONLY KIDDING! They agreed to refund $40, which covers maybe one of the international phone calls to my mobile from Husband who is currently in Dubai – and I had to call them to request the rebate. At least I wasn’t on hold for half an hour – ONLY KIDDING! Goodness, the laughs just keep coming.

Slingshot is evil. If you are employed by Slingshot: shame on you. Why don’t you go and work for a more ethical company, like big tobacco or a munitions manufacturer?

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Comments on: "Q: What is worse than big tobacco? A: Begins with ‘S’ and ends with ‘lingshot’" (13)

  1. Cian said:

    Greetings Ms. Shaw…

    I have five comments to make:

    1. Welcome back – you were missed.

    2. If you are not happy with the level of Customer Service you receive in NZ, can you fe^k off back home to Ireland you racist Queen. 🙂

    3. Love Sling’s website. Apparently they deliver the best nationwide b/b in NZ!!! How crap must the other carriers be? Also love their “Jump to Slingshot mobile” flash vid thingie with the stick man jumping off the cliff. Indeed that is how their Customers feel when trying to deal with them. They would rather sling themselves off the cliff. If I was a flash techie I would redo their video with new text for you, but it is the thought that counts anyway.

    4. Not sure why you have been elevated to Queen status in 2. above.

    5. New word of the Day: miasma

    Cian

    p.s. how is Jed?

  2. Well, we’re with Orcon. They haven’t yet tried the “cut off service for 12 days and taunt the customer to distraction” routine. The worst I can say of them (and I will say it, ‘cuz it’s true) is that… well… I remember the first time I got a home ‘net connection with a 56kb modem on dialup, the download speeds were marginally faster than I get now.

    Only marginally. But then, the web has grown a lot in the past 12 years. More and bigger pictures and animations and scripts and ads *everybloodywhere*, means that it now takes me about six times as long to download a typical commercial web page as it did in 1997.

    Have you considered iHug? I don’t know anything about them…

  3. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi Cian!
    1/ Thank you, it’s good to be back
    2/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Too funny
    3/ All you have to do with the ‘Jump to Slingshot mobile’ advert is apply a caption: THERE IS NO CORD
    4/ Well, I recently found out I am the secret love child of Prince Charles and Vivienne Westwood, but even so it is premature
    5/ Great word, isn’t it?

    x

    PS Jed is totally fabulous. He must be due a post all to himself soon

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi Vet! So, you would prefer to recommend a company you know nothing about over your own service provider . . . doesn’t say much for either of them! 😀

    We’ll definitely look into alternative service providers, but are probably leaning towards Telecom just because, since they are the last stop for technical problems, we might get marginally better service. However, from what I’ve heard, all providers seem to be much the same shade of custard.

    Our neighbours have satellite internet; they apparently pay around $200 pm for 10Gb, but if they want any more gigagigs they pay through the snout.

    x

  5. Cian said:

    Wow – a Love Child and I thought the only time she didn’t wear her knickers with him was when he made her a Dame a couple of years ago (just like she did with his mum back in the early 90s).

    Do you mind if I sell you out to the Daily Mail, or the Sun (I wonder what I could give the Daily Sport – none of your blog pics just cut it I’m afraid – TG for Photoshop)?

    You would no longer be a secret love child, but think of the benefits:
    1. Smart Casual being at the Top of all Best Seller lists (apart from Non-Fiction ones).
    2. Jed would love the Media Attention. You know he would.
    3. I would make lots of money.
    4. You would make lots of money.
    5. New Ad Campaign for NZ Tourism => Extra Tourists => Extra Money in Economy.
    6. Borders would have to stock your book.
    7. You might get some real stalkers (rather than the amateur ones).

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    You think I might be the secret love child of the Queen and Vivienne Westwood? Well, I’d never rule that out.

    Just make sure you get a good offer from the Daily Mail. A sensational story like this is worth at least GBP 10. Maybe more. And I expect you to split the proceeds evenly 50/50. Only fair.

    I am most interested in benefits 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 (although I have real stalkers, I could always do with a few more).

    x

  7. Cian said:

    The Daily Mail have ruled themselves out. They said that I needed to get DNA proof. How dare they. Do they think I would lie? I thought that they might change their mind when I told them that you had the body of Rachel Whitwell (I spend ages in photoshop), but nope they had not even heard of her.

    Still the Daily Sport were interested in the Pictures, but not in the Story!!!! So they shall be running the pics later this Friday on Page 8 under “Send us your Pics”. So there is no money to be made I’m afraid. Tell Jed I’m sorry I failed him.

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Um . . . Rachel Whitwell?

    I told Jed you are sorry you failed him, and he rolled over and gave a little snore. I don’t know . . . I think he might be really upset.

    x

  9. Gee
    Everyone seems so upset but
    The reason for your problem was Telecom right?

    Our technicians fixed your problem so why so upset?
    Very sorry for the inconvienience but
    Every day we try and pick someone to piss off
    Really we do

    I’m so sorry
    That’s another lie – I’m pissing myself 🙂

    P.S. Spot the hidden message yet? 🙂 🙂

  10. Cian said:

    The only bit of NZ news to make it internationally and it is not known at home. She is a teacher (not teaching at the moment) who posed for nude photos. Seems to be a bit of a debate on whether she has brought teaching into disrepute etc. Fine line between private life and public life….

    Hidden Messages:
    1. Use of Very Sorry and incorrect spelling on inconvenience implies that you might be foreign.
    2. But you are not Irish as you would not have used the word Gee – which is a bold word.
    3. But you have used Piss twice, which has to mean you are a Kiwi surely.
    4. If you are Kiwi – there will be no hidden message, only a wild goose/sheep chase.

  11. The first letter of each line going from top to bottom 🙂

  12. Cian said:

    Thanks for the Confirmation that I am totally stupid. I actually did that and for some reason I did not get it. I don’t know how it happened but I feel rather stupid now.

    There goes the Mensa application out the window.

  13. deadlyjelly said:

    Well, I thought the hidden messages was: ‘Slingshot is a bunch of wankers’. Suppose I’ll also have to put in a bit more study before I apply to Mensa.

    x

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