The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

The highlight of the Royal New Zealand A&P Show in Christchurch yesterday was a widdle.
Had it not been blowing a 100kph southerly with heavy showers, the outcome might have been different. Although the inclement weather was hardly the fault of the organisers, the abysmal organisation was. Signs for carparking were insufficient and inaccurate. The two officials we asked had never heard of goats, never mind where they were exhibited.
I suppose the trading area was quite good. For a while, I wondered whether the contraption that picked up walnuts was the highlight of the show. I mean, it was admittedly INGENIOUS: a little wire ball at the end of a stick which you wheel about the ground, and IT COLLECTS WALNUTS (please note: there have to be walnuts on the ground to begin with). However, it seemed a bit . . . well . . . pointless. I mean, a device that picks up walnuts? You know, if it picked up – say – coins or spilt vodka, THEN I would have been impressed.
The agricultural community is obsessed with peeling vegetables. There were at least five stalls devoted to the sale of vegetable peelers. I noticed that whenever one of these appliances was demonstrated, the potatoes used were fresh, large oval ones. To me, this constitutes an unfair and unusual advantage. Again, perhaps if demonstrators had used old, wrinkled, half-rotten spuds, the outcome would have been different.
But they didn’t.
Now, it should be noted there were extenuating factors surrounding my trip to the loo. Even before I arrived at the show I needed to pee– and more after circling the show grounds twice trying to locate the members’ carpark. However, I was determined not to avail of the bathroom facilities typical of these types of events: the draughty plastic portaloos overflowing with fly-infested faeces, any evidence of toilet paper being plastered to the walls with some humanly derived substance.
I knew I had enough willpower not to wee. However, four hours of exponentially increasing clenching was starting to make my teeth ache.
I approached the portacabin with a sense of fatalism. And it was LOVELY! Carpeted floors that were almost clean; a light fragrance playfully redolent of Harpic; fully stocked toilet paper dispensers with smooth dispensing action; lashings of pink hand soap washed down with warm water.
It was such an awesome experience, I went again half an hour later even though I didn’t need to.

Comments on: "Transcendental widdling" (5)

  1. thanks for your comments Niamh. Your blog is hilarious – ‘there have to walnuts on the ground to begin with’ made me laugh out loud. I shall be adding you to my list.
    Only your women readers will truly understand the horror and fear (real and imagined) of public loos. I went to a outdoor event once and a friend came back from the loos looking pale and distressed and said that when she was there all she could hear was her mother’s voice in her head screaming ‘DON’T SIT DOWN!’

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi Jacie!

    I believe we are mutual friends of the MarkJ. Thrilled you’re enjoying the blog. By the way, the story of your friend sent chills down my spine 😀


  3. You are cute beyond words! But your teeth ache too, phew … no one else knew what I was talking of. Thank you for that, I shall refer doubters here in future.

    But cute, so cute!

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Di – just glad I can perform a public service. In case any of your doubters don’t believe you when you describe the fear THE GUT CLENCHING FEAR, I hope my post adequately conveys this too 😀


  5. Oi Shaw.

    More posting – less comments (well ok – more comments too)

    Ya slack tit !

    🙂 x

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