The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Curly coat retriever

On Friday as we drove through Swanson in the process of calling it a day, Husband suddenly exclaimed, “Look! A dead duck!”

He sounded so excited, I almost expected him to continue, “Oh, WOW! I feel so HAPPY! This is BETTER THAN SEX!”

Of course, the appropriate response to a dead duck alert – not that I’ve come across many – is along the lines of, ‘yeah, it looks dead all right,’ or ‘well, that’s what you get when you play chicken with cement trucks. I hope you’ve learned something from this.’

Instead, no doubt carried away momentarily by Husband’s enthusiasm, I shouted, “Quick! Stop the car! Do a U-turn!”

Narrowly avoiding the kerb and a stray recycle bin, he did just that.

“Er, I was just joking, you know,” I said, as he pulled up next to the dead duck and, hopping out, picked it up by the legs. “Woah- hey, I don’t want that thing anywhere near me. What are you doing-”

“It’s for Jed,” said Andrew, tucking the carrion into his footwell. “He can retrieve it.”

Indeed, Jed instantly picked up the scent – well, it wasn’t subtle – in fact, you could say it was pretty gamey – and went berserk in the back of the car. He attempted to bodysurf into the front and when that was not effective, contented himself with a spot of yodelling. If you haven’t heard Jed in full cry, check out his vocal contortions in the videos on this post.

I never thought I would end up the type of person who would be an accessory to picking up dead animals on the side of the road and stuffing them in a footwell. I don’t know; I just expected . . . MORE out of my life, you know?

Yesterday, we took Jed out to get acquainted with his dead duck. I was present in an official capacity to record the momentous occasion. Andrew was the duck handler.

Curly coat retriever and duck

To check check relative deadness of duck: hold upside down and shake. If it quacks, try again.

Curly coat retriever

Husband and Jed keep a close eye on duck, in case it makes a break for it.

Curly coat retriever retrieving pre-dead duck

Jed poses with duck for the camera.

Curly coat retriever

He's not usually cross eyed.

Curly coat retriever

The masked raider: who needs vision?


Comments on: "The masked raider" (3)

  1. I thought that Andrew suffered from some polio-like disease having a footwell and I thought that it was rather strange to stuff a duck in there.

    I’m so glad that I looked it up. I no longer feel sad for you and him….

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Honey, you would be AMAZED where Andrew stuffs ducks.


  3. I think that I hope I will never find out…

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