The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

The dentist slash receptionist was an ex-Scandinavian beauty queen (well, chances are she’s still Scandinavian; and the beauty queen bit is a guess although I’d be willing to place a firm bet on Miss Scandinavia 1969, event proudly sponsored by Olsen Fish Company specialising in quality herring and lutfisk). She wore a hairclip with a large, pink plastic flower which would more appropriately have accessorised a five year old.

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: Tut! Does anyone know anytink about computers?

Now, although I was engrossed in a vintage Woman’s Weekly (Brad and Winona, so in love!), I looked up eager to assist; but Ex-Miss Scandinavia pointed at a bloke sitting to my left.

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: Yes, please, you. Do you know about computers?

Bloke (getting up): Um, I- a little, I suppose . . .

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: See, this computer, it is not vurking.

Bloke (peering at screen): That’s the, er, start-up screen. It’s just starting up.

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: It’s been like tat haff an hour.

Me: Ahem. Have you tried switching it off and on again?

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: It von’t switch off. You see?

Bloke: (presses power button, and again)

Me: Ahe-AHEM! Ha-hargh. Yes, have you- maybe you should try holding down the button for a few seconds?

Bloke: Ug. (holds down power button)

Still in my chair, I heard the computer fan shut down.

Ex-Miss Scandinavia (hand on Bloke’s arm): Oh, my! That was- that was AMAZING! You young pipple these days, you know all about the computing-

Me (largely internally): He’s not that fucking young.

Ex-Miss Scandinavia: How did you do that- THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Bloke: You’re welcome.

Me (largely internally): HEY WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER NO ADDED PENIS???


Comments on: "Classic case of brawn vs brain" (11)

  1. Hopefully she got a nasty virus later on luv 🙂

    P.S. Apology on my blog for you.

    Ta ra !

  2. mumsie said:

    I was never a beauty queen. Red hair and a generous amount of freckles on a skin that never tanned, and rather short legs prevented that (among other things). I was, however, born and raised in Scandinavia and am old enough to have been taught to spell. The rather disgusting dried fish is spelt lutfisk, but pronounced as if it was related to the old musical instrument.

    I came across your blog when I was down under and love it.
    Keep up the good work. Your written scandinavian accent is nearly as funny as Terry Wogan used to be on the radio back in the days when Abba were famous.

  3. deadlyjelly said:

    MarkJ – yeah, I sent her an email with an “interesting” file attachment later. Mwa ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha haargh.


  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Mumsie – delighted to hear from you, and so glad you’re enjoying Deadlyjelly! I don’t come across many Scandinavians, so took a punt with some of the words. ‘Nearly as funny as Terry Wogan’ is almost preferable to ‘accurate’ – thank you! 😀

    I will correct my spelling of lutfisk immediately, thanks for educating me. Is lutfisk as unbelievably horrid as it sounds?


  5. mumsie said:

    Yes. The fish (white) is first pickled in wood ash, lime, and soda, and then dried – the tradition goes back to medieval times when a) salt was too rare and expensive a commodity to use as a preserative and b) the RC church was powerful and many fast days were enforced. For the Christmas fast only dried fish was available. It is said that the lutfisk was invented because some fumbly person accidentally dropped some lye on a piece of dried, soaked fish and thus discovered that the dry fish re-took its original shape and became white.
    I remember the dried fish being bought and put to soak in a lye solution that stood on the floor of the pantry for a couple of days and then the horrid lye solution was rinsed off and the fish soaked in clean water for a day (if you wanted to keep it longer before cooking you had to change the water daily). The fish was boiled and served with some disgusting green pea concoction, potatoes and a thick white sauce. All the adults claimed to like it; it must be an acquired taste – I have yet to meet a child who likes it. Myself – I had a good reason to flee Sweden, marry an Englishman who wants his turkey, with roast tatties and trimmings for Christmas!

  6. Men are problem solvers, as you well know. We usually work with one problem at a time however, this specimen, who you callously refer to a “Bloke”, is obviously a genius as he was able to fix the computer (problem number one) AND ignore you (problem num…. ) at the same time.

    A clear case of penis-envy if I ever heard it.

    (Ps Have you seen the photos;-)

  7. McD – most excellent diagnosis 🙂

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Mumsie – I’m revising my original assessment of lutfisk from ‘unbelievably horrid’ to ‘beyond vile’. Why, why, why would anyone voluntarily choose to ingest that? It almost makes the national dish of Scotland sound tasty.

    But not quite.


  9. deadlyjelly said:

    McD and MarkJ – it is best that you Blokes never, EVER meet.


  10. mumsie said:


    In his teens my brother had a year in the states, courtesy of Rotary International, living en famille. He was a bit homesick and very pleased when a local lady invited him to her home for some “real Swedish Christmas food”. He had envisaged a large burgeoning buffet that included the traditonal whole ham and pigs head complete with apple in mouth. What he got was lutfisk!!! He even had to be polite for the hospitality!!!

  11. deadlyjelly said:

    Oh no! HAHAHA! That has to be one of the most tragic stories I have ever heard!


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