The dentist slash receptionist was an ex-Scandinavian beauty queen (well, chances are she’s still Scandinavian; and the beauty queen bit is a guess although I’d be willing to place a firm bet on Miss Scandinavia 1969, event proudly sponsored by Olsen Fish Company specialising in quality herring and lutfisk). She wore a hairclip with a large, pink plastic flower which would more appropriately have accessorised a five year old.
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: Tut! Does anyone know anytink about computers?
Now, although I was engrossed in a vintage Woman’s Weekly (Brad and Winona, so in love!), I looked up eager to assist; but Ex-Miss Scandinavia pointed at a bloke sitting to my left.
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: Yes, please, you. Do you know about computers?
Bloke (getting up): Um, I- a little, I suppose . . .
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: See, this computer, it is not vurking.
Bloke (peering at screen): That’s the, er, start-up screen. It’s just starting up.
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: It’s been like tat haff an hour.
Me: Ahem. Have you tried switching it off and on again?
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: It von’t switch off. You see?
Bloke: (presses power button, and again)
Me: Ahe-AHEM! Ha-hargh. Yes, have you- maybe you should try holding down the button for a few seconds?
Bloke: Ug. (holds down power button)
Still in my chair, I heard the computer fan shut down.
Ex-Miss Scandinavia (hand on Bloke’s arm): Oh, my! That was- that was AMAZING! You young pipple these days, you know all about the computing-
Me (largely internally): He’s not that fucking young.
Ex-Miss Scandinavia: How did you do that- THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Bloke: You’re welcome.
Me (largely internally): HEY WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER NO ADDED PENIS???