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Dinosaur poop

The Quack Team rent The Landords’ other house, which is about a kilometre away. Quackman and The Swede are unbelievably, totally awesomely, extra-mustard-hold-the-pickle cool. I can’t speak for Husband, but my liver never fails to be invigorated merely by being in their vicinity.

The other night Husband, Jed and I were invited over for dinner, where – in an arresting conversational gambit – Quackman confided he numbers in his possession dinosaur poo.

Naturally, I was intrigued. Well, wouldn’t you be? Oh come on, admit it: you are of course. I mean, DINOSAUR DUNG!

I demanded to see it at once.

Now, I don’t know about you; but I expected Quackman to return staggering under the unwieldy bulk of a prehistoric turd, leaving a late cretaceous skid mark on the lintel as he stuffed it through the living room door. I imagined a mystical butt nugget, even now – hundreds of million of years later – still radiating a slight heat from an Argentinosaurus’ lower intestine.

Turns out there was a seismosauric chasm between my anticipation and the reality, which looked suspiciously like a handful of gravel scooped up from the front yard.

Quackman apparently won his turd on Trademe, and it came with a certificate verifying that it is genuine faeces fresh from a dinosaur’s arse. When pressed however, Quackman was unwilling – or unable – to produce the certificate.

Yet, even though I thought it was all shit (in the colloquial sense), I still washed my hands afterwards

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Comments on: "Dinosaur poop" (2)

  1. Anonymous said:

    I wish to take issue, in the strongest possible terms, regards your assertations that the afore-mentioned dinasaur poo was “gravel”.
    I am a reknowned dinasaur expert, and will do all I can to elucidate and enlighten you and your readers as to why the poor and maligned (in print, no less – cause for legal action??) Quackman is absolutely right. My qualifications on the subject extend to reading numerous comics about dinasaurs as a 12 year old, and making crap models out of balsa wood, none of which stayed together, and made me wet my bed when they fell apart above my bed and crashed un-erringly onto my head while I slept (aged 40 – 431/2), after being hung from the ceiling with plasticine the previous evening.
    Now that I have established my credentials, let us consider the following:

    Dinasaurs are very old.
    There are none left on the planet.
    None of my scientific contempories agree as to what killed the dinasaurs – some say the ice age, some say meteor strikes, some say falling into tar pits, among a myriad of other nonsense. The reason that dinasaurs died is for the following and irrefutable reason – they had VERY SMALL ANUSES, ergo had tiny poos.

    Consider this:

    A Tyranosauus Rex eats another dinasaur. Taking as read, by either evolutionists or the other lot, that dinasaurs needed a poo after eating, then surely it would behove them to have an adequately sized rectum/anus to pass said detritus. Unfortunately for them, they had been blessed with a large and savage appetite, but not the wherewithal to discharge their “litter”. They were only able to pass “gravel” (your word, young lady!!!) and not the expected lintel-damaging rubbishbin sized mass that you were clearly expecting. As such, dinasaurs died from either acute on chronic constipation, or possibly from arthritis of the knee and hip joints from squatting in one place for so long. Some dinasaurs may have even imploded from eating others with a toxic level of marsh gas in them, unable to expel the waste product or the hitch-hiking marsh gas in time before literally imploding all over the countryside. Please note that to this date there have been bones, teeth, skin and even the odd toenail of dinasaurs founf across the globe, but never a dinasaurs anus – proof if ever it was required.

    I hope the above explains, in scientific reasoning, why dinasaurs died, and also that you now understand why Quackman has such a treasure in his possesion. Hang your head in shame, and cry out for all to hear your repentance.

    An apology to Quackman is well overdue, and will be watched for on this site.

  2. MarkJ said:

    “As such, dinosaurs died from either acute or chronic constipation”

    Seriously? No shit? 🙂

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