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So I am now in the UK. I know, but I like to surprise you.

Officially this is a holiday to see my family. Unofficially, I am here to pick up an amp for MarkJ.

Husband – who leaped out of the airplane in the Middle East – and I were completely unprepared for the trip. We ended up forgetting all our Dubai-issued bank cards (not including my two cards with expiry date 0408) and one NZ-issued visa card between the two of us. What do you mean, whose? Does it matter? What’s mine is Andrew’s and vice versa.

Ok, it was Andrew’s.

I robbed it.

(Improv on the ‘What’s Andrew’s is mine’ theory.)

I had forgotten to book my flight under my Skywards membership, which would have informed Emirates of my food preferences. ‘Chicken or beef?’ is an existential question as far as I am concerned. Asking if there are any vegetarian options results in a lecture on informing them 24 hours prior to the flight, before the flight attendant ungraciously stamps off to scrape some of the cabin crews’ leftovers into a piece of tinfoil and pass it off as ratatouille.

In this instance, I ate the prawn cocktail starter (my vegetarianism makes exception for fruits la mer), and Andrew donated his starter. Then the flight attendant returned with a main course from business class. Turned out to be – what d’you know? – more prawns. Prawns in a vomit-yellow sludgy sauce. God, I sound so ungracious. Can I pass it off as jetlag? In general I have found it works extremely effectively as an excuse.

On the Sydney to Dubai leg, Husband and I were seated right next to the toilet. By that I mean I could reach out and close the door from a sitting position. Which I did, on average once every five minutes – which might not sound like much but stacks up over a period of seventeen hours. It was one of the worst flight experiences I’ve ever had: movies interrupted by the regular flush and suck; people resting their arses on my face as they leant against my seat; the vicious whiff of reconstituted airline food every time the door opened.

Andrew’s and my touching goodbye was tainted by excrement.

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Comments on: "Tainted by excrement" (8)

  1. MarkJ said:

    Enough shit already – hows my amp? 🙂

  2. Cian said:

    Great job on selling business class. Prawns a la vomit. I think that I shall stay back in cattle class. But thanks for the tip of staying away from the toilets.

    Love Mr Js response – of course you could be cruel and never mention it to him/tell him it broke/they only had a pink one in stock, but you got it for him anyway/or you could always get him a 5 amp fuse.

    Glad to hear you are up here in the Northern hemisphere, but I don’t know why I am glad. Best not dwell on that, or otherwise I will get nowhere today.

    Enjoy your holiday…

  3. Rattus Rattus said:

    Jetlag? Excuses, excuses. How about old age (30+), forgetfulness, artistic nature – all the curse of modern man (using the term loosely in this context). The recent reviews of Emirates are all of the form ‘God, what have they done to this airline?’. Douglas Adams is dead, yes, but his legacy survives. Writing books is like having a family trust, it outlives the creator. Blogs are much the same, as Facebook users are learning. Immortality is possible.

  4. Rattus Rattus said:

    Still have an identity crisis here. Try ‘in Sydney, but not a resident’. Occurs to me a 5 amp fuse represents over 1kw of audio. Impressive. Not for an inner-London bed-sit, obviously.

  5. Enjoy your visit to the Old World, DJ. I’ve been thinking wistfully of it these past few weeks, but I’m not likely to get a chance to go for a couple of years. If you’re interested in meeting another of your followers, I could give you Mumsie’s phone number. She lives in Hove, which is where you go when Brighton gets too exciting and you don’t want it to be such a change when you die.

    ‘Jetlag’ is a great excuse. ‘Tainted by excrement’ – not so good. Remember to order your meals for the return flight.

  6. mumsie said:

    Oh dear, I’ve already sent you an email with my name and phone number as well as a general invite, should you wish to come this way. (Email via your blog). Have a good time and enjoy the spell of good weather we’re having! Hope to see you.

    xxx Mumsie

  7. deadlyjelly said:

    MarkJ – your amp is about the size of a medium surface to air fucking missile launcher. It doesn’t fit in my empty suitcase. I hope you know that if I ever get it back to NZ, you totally owe me forever.

    x

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Cian – quite enjoying the Northern Hemisphere at the moment 😀

    Rattus – your identity crisis is taking on catastrophic proportions.

    Vet – I plan to return to NZ and camp there for the next couple of years. Rather looking forward to it. Thanks for the tip! Which reminds me, I’ll go and book my return flight meals now.

    Mumsie – thanks a mill for the invite and I would completely take you up on it if this weren’t such a flying visit. I spent only five days in London in a bit of a panic catching up with people, and will spend just a day up in Cambridge on the way home. Next time 😀

    x

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