The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw


Every time I’ve ever woken up with my head wedged down a toilet, I’ve sworn I will never drink again. Or, for that matter, bob for apples in the toilet bowl.

In a similar way, every time I go to Ireland, I swear I will never, I mean never EVER, fly Ryanair again.

It’s just that they’re so very cheap.

So very crap, but so very, VERY cheap.

The fuckers.

Having been caught out before, I set off for Stansted from Clapham the previous day. I arrived so early, there were only fifty four people in the queue. After I checked in, I had so much time to spare that I decided to do a bit of shopping. I bought a universal adapter. Then I had a sandwich.

At 17:30 I decided – just to be on the safe side – to proceed to baggage control for my 18:20 flight. And that was the end of the proceeding for the next 40 minutes. Baggage control was carnage: panic, hysteria, old people trampled underfoot. 

I finally staggered to the boarding gate at 18:10. Perhaps it was 18:11. Thereabouts.

Let’s say quarter past six.

The gate was closed, blue tape across the double doors. A forbidding attendant stood fingering her walkie-talkie. She radioed the airplane.

“Passenger here with a bag checked in.”

If you didn’t pick it up, the critical portion of this sentence is the latter. In fact, you can just italicise everything after the word ‘here’. Because I have no doubt that, but for my bag aboard the plane, I would have spent the next eight hours at Stansted before paying Ryanair the equivalent of a first-class ticket to the Bahamas for the only available flight to Ireland for the next three months – to Belfast.

The plane reversed back down the runway as I emerged onto the concourse. A steward met me; I could tell he was important because he had on a fluorscent vest.

“Are you Nam Shaw?”

“That’s Niamh. NIAMH. Doesn’t sound anything like it’s spelled-”

“Get on the plane.”

“Oh, ok.”

I mean, there’s no need for that level of unpleasantness. I take comfort from the fact that Crapair was recently fined €3m by the Italian Civil Aviation Authority (although they sound just as dodgy). I also stole the inflight magazine.

“Lucky you caught it,” said Husband. “Otherwise you would be known as . . . as a person who misses flights. A lot.”


Comments on: "Crapair" (6)

  1. MarkJ said:

    Hi Niamh.

    Ordered my second copy of Smart Casual along with the latest offering from the great Niamh Shaw.

    Telling you this because I want to give you ample time to think of something suitably AWESOME to write in the forwards of each.

    Fuck it – you’re going to be famous one day – and I want some of that action !

    So make it grand – and no pressure – k?


  2. Cian said:

    Well done on taking on Ruinair and winning. Well I think you won anyway. You were clever enough to be carrying more than 7 grams in a catheter bag, which meant you had to check-in a bag.

    This week other half and I went to London for one night – Wednesday night and we went to Brussels yesterday for a night. Other half is allergic to Ryanair since they left him stranded in Liverpool once – actually he has hated them forever. But this time due to circumstances (mainly 100s of euro) we took a chance with them and they provided three of the flights. Now their timing was fine and no complaints there.

    But if I hear it once more about
    Fucking Lottery Tickets
    Fucking Smokeless Cigarettes
    Fucking Spirits in a two for one offer
    Fucking Crappy and over-priced Slop
    Fucking Special of the Day – Paella
    Fucking Bus/Train Tickets
    Fucking having an excellent bag loss record
    Fucking being Europe’s favourite airline
    Fucking Hosties (not sure if they really are or not) running up and down the aisle and bumping into those sitting in the aisle
    Fucking Perfumes, Jewelery and whatever other crap they were hawking,
    and finally that fucking jingle to tell us that “You have arrived on another on-time Ryanair Flight”,
    Seriously I am going to kill somebody.

    Today we came back from Brussels (from a Real Airport) and on a nice and quiet Aer Fungus flight. It was so nice. It was also one third empty (first time ever I have been on a non-full Brussels flight – I guess it was a Sunday morning) yet they sold more food and shopping that Ryanair did over the other three flights.

    p.s. I think that it was great that they were able to pronounce your surname correctly. I know that it is only 4 letters, but still credit where credit is due you know.

    p.p.s. Thought that I should let you know that on Thursday night Queues at security in Stansted were fairly short..

  3. mumsie said:

    Oh, oh, oh,

    Didn’t you do well to get them to reverse for little you!
    I’m so allergic to airports, particularly security/baggage checks and scramble-for-a-seat airlines that I have a couple of time squandered a small fortune on letting the train take the strain for my annual trek to Sweden. As `you can’t take it with you’, I reckon that is preferable to letting the Chanceller have my already taxed nest-egg under the heading inheritance tax!!

    I’ve just taken the daring step of buying an Euroeconomy ticket from B.A. for this August. Should there be any reason for chaos at airports at the time (BA strikes, Icelandic volcanoes, terrorists etc) I shall play the age-card and book wheelchair assistance. There are compensations for being wrinkly!


  4. I have no money and I no longer fly crapair because I despise the boarding system. The free-for-all queuing thing might work in NZ because we are oddly endearingly polite in queues but BELGIANS ARE NOT.

    I sometimes wonder if the war seems to have messed with some psyches …

    I get a red film descending over my eyes whenever I am forced to queue on this side of the world … and Ryanair, the WORST queues ever. I might try your technique next time I find myself forced to fly with them … at least I avoid the trampling.

  5. Cian said:

    Di – I believe that the official slowest moving Queue in the World is for the Brussels bus at Charleroi airport. Well at lesat it was last Saturday.

    So I really do think that Queues and Belgium does not mix well. Generally in Ireland they are not too bad thankfully.

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    Excellent, another entry in the Must Do Before I Die:

    Never go to Belgium.

    On current form, that should be easy enough. Di, we’re just going to have to meet halfway unless you get your arse back to NZ on holiday.


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