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I remember when the Eurovision Song Contest used to be hosted in a shed. The performer balanced on a rickety bar stool and pretended to strum a guitar. The official definition of glam was a tie-dyed smock with the occasional rhinestone.

The Eurovision has come a long way from All Kinds Of Everything. I’m not sure whether it is any cooler to watch the Eurovision Song Contest these days, but I don’t care. There was nothing else on the telly. And I like songs.

So here is a summary of the 25 countries that made the final, in order of appearance:-

1) Azerbaijan – Safura / ‘Drip Drop’
5th
By far the best song in the contest, therefore didn’t stand a chance of winning. 17 year old Safura is an extraordinary singer, but the choreography was hokey. Accompanied by an outstandingly gay ballet dancer who gazed yearningly at Safura’s gown throughout the performance.

*

2) Spain – Daniel Diges / ‘Algo Pequeñito’
15th
The title of the song translates as ‘Something Tiny’; unfortunately it was not an ode to Daniel Diges’ hair. Halfway through the performance, the Spaniards were joined onstage by a dude in jeans and a black t-shirt, who pulled some of the best moves of the evening. He was chased off the stage by a couple of heavies and taken down in the aisle. To Daniel Diges’ credit, he carried on as if nothing had happened, although his gormless grin took on a vaguely anxious quality. Spain were given another opportunity to perform at the end of the evening, but that only served to remind everyone how shit the song was.

*

3) Norway – Didrik Solli Tangen / ‘My Heart Is Yours’
20th
The hosts had obviously tipped off their candidate as to the placement of the television cameras, with the result that Didrik Solli-Tangen’s eyes appeared to follow you around the room. Sinister effect. Fully deserved 20th place.

*

4) Moldova – SunStroke Project and Olia Tira / ‘Run Away’
22nd
Genuinely inspired instrumentals, particularly the saxophonist’s pelvic thrusting at 00:40. Unfortunately, the duo were out of tune and the guy looked like a freak. I’m also anxious about the fate of Cookie Monster, since Yer Wan appears to be wearing his pelt over her shoulder :-/

*

5) Cyprus – John Lillygreen & The Islanders / ‘Life Looks Better In Spring’
21st
John Lillygreen might be as cute as a furry frog, but the song was bland and borderline twee – if the border is 5000 km wide.

*

6) Bosnia and Herzegovina – Vukašin Brajić / ‘Thunder and Lightning’
17th
Infinitely forgettable.

*

7) Belgium – Tom Dice / ‘Me and My Guitar’
6th
Undoubtedly the sentiments of this song would have been better expressed as a bar of chocolate.

*

8) Serbia – Milan Stanković / ‘Ovo je Balkan’
13th
This was a much better song when I thought the title translated to ‘Egg of the Balkans’. In fact, it means ‘This Is The Balkans’. As it turned out, even ‘Egg of the Balkans’ could not have saved this Serbian tragedy of a song. It freaked me out – although not as much as the singer. Is it a man? Or some . . . something else? 

*

9) Belarus – Robert Wells / ‘Butterflies’
24th
All I remember about this song was that the three women rather unimaginatively turned into butterflies at the end, but THEY DIDN’T FLY AWAY. I don’t like to be teased like that.

*

10) Ireland – Niamh Kavanagh / ‘It’s For You’
23rd
If not for Niamh Kavanagh, the average age of the Eurovision contestants would have been 14. Bless her, Niamh managed to keep her stomach tucked in through the whole song. Now that’s talent. Nobody turned into a butterfly, there were no riverdancers or clowns or acrobats, the pyrotechnics were kept to a minimum. I loved how ‘Good luck Niamh!’ popped up onto the screen, and how over-protective Marty Whelan was while cheerfully slagging off the other contestants. Even when we came second-last, I was still proud to be Irish.

*

11) Greece – Giorgos Alkaios and Friends / OPA!
8th
Greek tragedy, although not as bad as the Serbian tragedy (see above).

*

12) United Kingdom – Josh Dubovie / ‘That Sounds Good To Me’
25th
You bring the sunshine
I’ll bring the good times
Just add your laughter
Happy ever after
I don’t know ‘bout you but
That sounds good to me
Genuinely terrible.

*

13) Georgia – Sopho Nizharadze / ‘Shine’
9th
Sounded like something someone had jotted down fresh out of the shower with a water soluble pen. Spectacularly dodgy choreography at 00:14. Ok, now I feel bad I just singled out that moment.

*

14) Turkey – maNga / ‘We Could Be The Same’
2nd
I thought this song rather rocked. 

*

15) Albania – Juliana Pasha / ‘It’s All About You’
16th
This was a formulaic but rather catchy little tune. Trousers made her look like she had a saggy snatch, which was terribly distracting. The violinist’s hair at 1:12 is worth a look.

*

16) Iceland – Hera Björk / ‘Je Ne Sais Quoi’
19th
So I still haven’t figured out why Iceland’s song has a French title – they probably thought that quirky. Fabulous singer, who raised the average weight of the female contestants by about 5kg each.

*

17) Ukraine – Alyosha / ‘Sweet People’
10th
Awful beyond belief – although not words, you’ll be glad to hear. This song was a horrific hectoring lecturing diatribe which would be best described as a quasi-musical rant. I would suggest that, if you have to state that The message is so true, your lyrics aren’t working hard enough for you. From Oh sweet people, what have we done? Alyosha progresses to neatly reneging on all personal culpability for the state of the world (No one but you to blame) which is a questionable ploy to earn maximum points.

*

18) France – Jessy Matador / “Allez Ola Olé”
12th
Dire.

*

19) Romania – Paula Seling and Ovi / ‘Playing with Fire’
3rd
So the guy was kinda scary, but Paula Seling was so completely hot in her rubber suit even I was attracted to her. If there was any justice in the world, the shot where the camera zooms under the piano and right up her crotch at 2:19 should have won them the Eurovision.

*

20) Russia – Peter Nalitch and Friends / ‘Lost And Forgotten’
11th
Thankfully the title turned out to be prophetic. Dour.

*

21) Armenia – Eva Rivas / ‘Apricot Stone’
7th
Doesn’t the title tell you all you need to know? Except that, Eva Rivas managed to display more cleavage than I thought was physically, scientifically or metaphorically possible.

*

22) Germany – Lena Meyer-Landrut / ‘Satellite’
1st
The song was quirky enough to disguise the fact that Lena Meyer-Landrut can’t sing.

*

23) Portugal – Filipa Azevedo / ‘Há dias assim’
18th
Tedious.

*

24) Israel – Harel Skaat / ‘Milim’
14th
The Eurovision can be educational too. I never knew Israel was part of Europe.

*

25) Denmark – Chanée and N’evergreen / ‘In A Moment Like This’
4th
Couldn’t see the point myself.

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Comments on: "Age alert warning" (9)

  1. So that’s why you went back to Europe just now. It all makes sense. I caught the Eurovision here one year, but I don’t know how… maybe I was staying in a hotel or something.

    Thanks for the reviews. Quite reconciles me to missing the whole thing.

    As for what you’re missing, it’s raining. A lot. Even here in Auckland it’s pretty depressing, and further south – not that much further south, either – large parts of both islands seem to be underwater. Here’s hoping your home is still snug and dry, although you may not remember it being in the middle of a swamp.

  2. Anonymous said:

    NZPA sports desk update.

    Port Underwood Goats V Your Garden.

    FIFA president Sepp Blatter has become embroiled in a rapidly escalating contretemps in the upper South Island as a result of the incredibly one-sided football match between Goats United (brown and white striped strip) and Andrew and Niamh’s team (known as “The Garden – green strip).

    Currently the score stands at Goats – 497, The Garden – 0, with full time approaching.

    Despite the best efforts of the Garden team, i.e. waving about in the wind, dripping water on their opponents, throwing seed to fool their opponents etc, the Goats are well on their way to a world-record score. So many of the Green team have been injured or wiped out completely that there is the distinct possibility that the Greens will not be able to field a team in the very near future.

    Even the Green team’s star player (Marigold) has had to have treatment for nibbling, tearing and having various limbs broken by all members of the Goats team, especially their inspirational captain “Billy”. Physiotherapist and team manager Sara reports that Marigold and the other 496 players “are on their last legs”, and await the return of Greens support team, especially Jake the Enforcer.

    Greens coach (Ken) is so incensed by the wanton damage the Goats have inflicted that he was nearly heard to use bad language, and has vowed “to shoot” the Goat’s centre-forward on sight.

    Billy responded to this threat by lifting his tail and wandering off down the track to his team’s clubrooms by the seat overlooking the ocean, appearing to have little concern for the threat at this stage, and was possibly overheard to state “up yours, ugly” to waiting reporters keen to get his reaction to Ken’s threat.

    This may well be due to the fact that Ken did come to the match a few days ago to carry out his threat, but found that he had left his bullets in the cupboard at home.

    Clapping hands and shouting “off you go” does not have the same effect as a .230 shell through the skull.

    Mr Blatter has little reaction to the score or the threats made by team management at this stage, but may well be called upon to appear in court should there be any further escalation in the bitter rivalry unfolding at the Port Underwood Sports Centre.

    PS – what exactly does a “saggy snatch” as per above look like??. Can you be more specific?? Does she have a phone number??

    Hurry home

  3. MarkJ said:

    Got to saggy snatch.
    Could go no further.
    Smirked for 0.25sec then shock, then paralysis.
    Re-read – yep, there it is…
    Truth that the pen is mightier than the sword?
    Check.
    🙂

  4. Cian said:

    Oh my word – What a long post. Since I was out of the country on Saturday night I did not get to experience the extravaganza that is eurovision.

    Since you have put in the effort, I shall too, well my sort of effort as opposed to the usual textual diarrhoea. I have only watched the songs (or parts thereof) that you provided. I might watch the others at another stage. But I may never be that bored.

    1) Azerbaijan – I actually quite liked that. Perhaps indeed it should have been the winner. But the voters had probably long forgotten it by the time they had listened to all songs. There are a lot of countries in Europe these days. They add new ones every couple of weeks.

    2) Daniel from Spain – Oh my God – all I can think of is Sue Sylvester’s (from Glee) quote “I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.” I had to stop that song early as I just could not look at him and the misfit dancers any longer. Put them all down I say. They won’t be missed.

    3) Didrik from Norway. Well I would not throw him out of bed for eating biscuits, crisps maybe, but not biscuits. But what a pathetic excuse for a song! I am not convinced that he is not stupid either. Last year’s winner did not know that Ireland was not part of the UK!!! FFS.

    4) Moldova -OMG – I concur totally – what a freak and the gyrating – OMG I want to puke.

    8) Serbia – I have watched 13 seconds and that was enough. I have never been so insulted by you before, you thinking that the singer might be a man. How dare you. Of course it is something else, it could never be a man! I have a good mind to stop typing now…

    13) Geogria – After 14 seconds, I think the song stopped. Well either that or I was concentrating too hard on the dancers wondering if the producers would give more screen-time to the better looking one, or to see if they took their jackets off. Alas neither happened. 😦 What was the point?

    14) Turkey – I think they had wannabe cylons as backing dancers. The Aussies voted Turkey into first place. Somebody should have told them to stop wasting their money as the votes did not count. In total they cast over 200000 votes!

    15) Albania – Her trousers did look ill-fitting, but I did not notice her SS – then again I only watched her on a tiny screen. Regarding the violinist – I refer to my comment on Daniel from Spain. What is it with these people and their hair.

    17) Ukraine – She was actually semi-pretty, if not a little feline like. But the voice – Jesus woman – don’t subject people to it anymore.

    19) Romania – Jeekers – I just wanted to slap the pair of them. He was just plain ugly and she was a tart of the highest degree. No No No – that was just wrong.

    22) Germany – I actually like her voice, but not sure about it being the winner. But on the other hand it is nice to see Germany win it. I mean they never win it do they? I wonder if Turkey gave them 12 points this year – I assume that they didn’t give it to Israel anyway. Perhaps if they had we might not have the latest conflict we have in Gaza.

  5. Anonymous said:

    Hiya Vet! I heard about the gruesome weather over there – via your blog, I believe. I’m not so concerned about living in a swamp, as living in a barren wasteland after my neighbour’s report of the goat-inflicted rape/pillage of greenery (the comment after yours). I hope he’s exaggerating. I’m sure he is; I just can’t imagine Landlord even THINKING bad language, never mind applying it.

    x

  6. Rattus Rattus said:

    Loved the Sports Desk post, inspired writing. Go the Goats I say. Turn your back on Paradise and Nature will take over in a blink. The term Mother in Mother Nature always assumes benevolence, but those from the Bronx et al have a slightly different but more descriptive rendering (but not if your name is Ken, obviously).

    No more lavender flatbread, though.

    I was going to post a link to a ‘saggy snatch’ but they are all xxx rated sites. I think that probably covers it, huh?

  7. deadlyjelly said:

    Rattus – I fully agree. And, you know, pornography happens.

    x

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Cian – I sincerely hope you are never that bored. I’m afraid I just don’t have the energy to comprehensively respond to each of your (at first sight entirely valid) points. I used all my energy writing the post. However, here are a few comments:

    2) Great quote. I love how widely it could be applied.

    3) One way or another it appears we do not have the same taste in men. I am comforted to know that we would never wrestle over biscuits in a bed. I can’t say that about everyone.

    4) Yeah, but I can’t get that sax riff out of my head.

    8) Or that song. My head is ringing, I tell ya.

    13) When you think about it, the entire exercise is pointless.

    14) REALLY? Hahaha!

    15) Even on a tiny screen, I don’t know how you missed her saggy snatch.

    17) I thought she looked more grouchy than pretty. I don’t think any voice would have suited that – let’s call it a song, for want of a better word – actually, caterwaul is more fitting.

    19) Agree on the ugly ruling, but I liked the tart in rubber. I want an outfit like that. I’d wear it to hang out the laundry.

    22) I think Germany won it once before, circa 1970. I think she sounds like an Austrian transvestite with her head stuck in a door.

    x

  9. Cian said:

    You don’t need to lack energy to respond in short. You post, we comment, you are then free to ignore, respond, curse, blah blah blah. But I feel that you should be congratulated on the amount of energy expended on the eurovision. That really deserves a medal.

    So I looked at the s?^@*h again (for scientific reasons), this time in full screen mode. Oh my word- I actually think she might be deformed down there. I’m beginning to feel sorry for her. I am sure that it will only last another couple of seconds.

    As for the rubber outfit, you could also wear it to answer the door to the Jehovah’s Witnesses etc. Don’t worry if you don’t have one already, I now know the perfect gift to bring you.

    I no longer feel sorry for Juliana…

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