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When I was interviewed by Bulgarian Cosmopolitan in May, I asked if they could send me one of the magazines with the free copy of Smart Casual. When I had no response, I presumed my request had drowned in the editor’s slushpile.

Then, about a month ago, I received a bulky parcel from Headline Publishing. This was extremely exciting, since I rarely get anything in the mail except second hand books from Trademe or letters from the Vinegrowers Association of Marlborough, (the snailmail version of remedies to enlarge my penis).

The parcel contained two virgin, cellophaned magazine/book packs, along with five copies of what I presume is Smart Casual. Because the cover of the book was different; and both the magazines and books were in Bulgarian. That’s one of those acrylic languages.

Bulgarian Cosmopolitan

I flicked through the magazine and couldn’t understand anything, although the article on ten ways to pleasure your man in bed was fairly clear even in acrylic. I’d sent the editor of Bulgarian Cosmo a photo of myself, but I couldn’t find it or anything that resembled my interview; she must have decided to go with Eva Longoria Parker. Hey – I’m sure I could look twice that good with some extreme photoshop.

I wasn’t even sure whether the book IS Smart Casual, but it has 63 chapters, which is consistent. Also, there were the same number of sentences per paragraph on the first page.

This is what Smart Casual looks like in Bulgarian. That might be a generic cover, but I love it; I would give a lesser limb for a set of pins like that, and I covet those shoes.

Now, when I talk about Smart Casual, I can say:


Although that really deserves to be exclaimed.

Two weeks later, I got another parcel from Headline . . . with more packs and copies of the magazine/book.

I’d noticed there is a section in Marlborough Library which contains foreign language books. Since I don’t have many Bulgarian friends, and was now in possession of about fifteen more copies of the book than I knew what to do with, I decided to give some to the library.

I thought any more than three copies was a touch over-fervid. There was mass confusion amongst the librarians when I presented the books at the counter. It took significant time and gesticulative overhead to establish that I wasn’t either a) checking out or b) returning the books.

Then the librarian was suspicious about my handing over new books, and tried to torture me into confessing that I expected renumeration. Once she established that I was donating the books to the library’s collection – and determined the translation was Bulgarian – she became positively frisky.

“Aw, wow,” she said, “I’ll have to set up a whole new section! We don’t have a Bulgarian section,” she confided.

I successfully mastered the urge to correct ‘Bulgarian’ to ‘Bulgary’ – yes, yes, I know my geography is pure shocking.

The librarian looked as if she wanted to high-five me, but honestly, I just couldn’t get that enthused about a whole new section.

Comments on: "Renowned in Bulgary" (7)

  1. Anything that you do to brighten up the life of your local librarian should be highly commendable.

    By the way, it would have been very poetic if those were your gams on the front cover!

  2. solartap said:

    I thought this was a particularly lucite post 🙂

  3. solartap said:

    And yes the cover of the book is very good. I thought the girl was naked at first and that someone had used a black marker on the naughty areas. I put such thinking down to living in the UAE.

  4. I learned Acrylic at one time, though not Bulgary, and I can tell you that the writing on the cover (in the cursive font between the transvestite’s[1] calves) is consistent with your name.

    [1]No, I don’t know, but neither do you. I just thought I’d plant that idea before solartap gets overexcited.

    Congratulations, by the way. Any idea what you’re going to do with the rest of the copies? Endow more libraries?

  5. deadlyjelly said:

    Forest – if only, if only those were my gams! Damn my stumpy heifer legs with undersized knees and lumberjack calves!

    Solar – yes, I had to look up lucite. Happy now? Still have no idea what you’re saying: my post is like a transparent or translucent plastic, any of a class of methyl methacrylate ester polymers? Huh?

    Vet – it makes me feel better thinking those pins belong to a transvestite. Does that make me a bad person? You don’t have to answer that, we’ll call it a rhetorical question for the purposes of this conversation.

    No idea what I’m going to do with the rest of the copies – would you like some upon which to practice your Acrylic?


  6. solartap said:

    Lucite is the brand name a company that develops acrylics. I was playing along with your malapropism 😛

    Vet – Transvestites FTW!

  7. For a while I thought i had malapropism, but it turns out i was just bored…

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