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I’ve always wanted to walk into a shop and shout, “Horseshit!”

Although secretly what I’ve REALLY always wanted is to sidle into a shop, grab a packet of Smarties, empty them into my mouth, then RUN OUT WITHOUT PAYING. Perhaps cackling as I go, as long as I could be sure it would come across as vaguely menacing rather than insincere and trying too hard. But once I reached the age of 9, I gave up the dream. It was time to make a choice: to embark on a life of crime, or devote myself to goodness and general worthiness and procuring of confectionary via lawful financial transactions.

But it’s been hard, knowing I will never fulfil that dream, which explains why, when an opportunity presented itself to walk into a shop and shout, “Horseshit!”, I engaged it fully and enthusiastically.

The notice beside the bags of shit stacked outside the Riding for the Disabled Centre in Blenheim stated, ‘manure $2/bag pay at the dalry’. While we loaded three sacks into the car, we tried to work out what a dalry was. We only realised 100 yards down the road as we drove past the local dairy (that’s the grocery store to the European Unionists).

So I marched into the dairy clutching $6 and shouted “Horseshit!”. Given the sentiment, I felt thumping the counter would be a little OTT, so contented myself with projecting from the diaphragm.

“Oh,” whispered the shop assistant. “You mean . . . the . . . poo?”

Which I felt was ambiguous for all that it might have been admirably dainty.

“HORSESHIT!” I confirmed.

At last, a dream comes true.


Comments on: "A dream comes true" (6)

  1. mumsie said:

    Congratulations, you lucky devil! Needless to say I’m green with envy.


  2. Cian said:

    I’ll do the Smarties with you over the weekend – they can shove my photo up from the security footage. It’s not like I shall be back there anytime soon.

  3. I just wanted to say that this was a deeply moving post. The innocent, fragile dreams of youth, fading with the inexorable onset of adulthood… it’s enough to bring tears to the eyes.

    Although that might also be caused by my imagination conjuring the smell of horse manure.

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    Mumsie – the lesson I certainly learned from this is never give up on your dreams. It’s never too late for your DREAMS TO COME TRUE. (Unless you always wanted to be the youngest person to climb K2, in which case you might have missed out there, sorry.)

    Cian – while we always do our best to entertain guests, we’ve always prioritised arson over shoplifting. But if it’s what you REALLY want to do, I’m sure we can work something out.

    Vet – the end justifies the means.


  5. I cannot imagine a more generally worthy individual …

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    FG – why, thank you, and I wouldn’t dream of being so ungracious as to question the extent of your imagination 😀


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