The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Westmeat is one of my favourite shops in Blenheim, which might surprise those of you who know I’m vegetarian.

But, you know, I’m not that interested in clothes, and grocery shopping gives me hives, and I don’t participate in any sport that requires more specialized equipment than goggles, and Husband has effectively ensured I will never voluntarily enter an electronics shop ever again ever. I suppose if the post office had soft furnishings and offered a more imaginative array of services, that might be my favourite shop, but it doesn’t and therefore it isn’t.

All I actually buy in Westmeat is food for Jed the Dog. I order chicken necks and chunks of lamb in multiples of 10kg, and it comes in boxes with my name written on it which makes me feel special. So that’s nice. Also, the shop also has minced chicken – in MINIATURE CUBES.

I like cubes.

We can only afford the dogfood, but Andrew sometimes accompanies me into the shop to stare wistfully at schnitzel. However on this particular occasion, he stayed outside in the carpark because he wanted to interrogate a suspected oil leak beneath the car.

When I went to check out my basket of carcass in the shop, I asked the assistant whether Westmeat opens on Sundays.

She said, “Unfortunately, no, because most of us have lives . . . except for you.”

There was no malice behind the comment; in fact, it’s entirely the sort of thing I would say while regretting the words even as they plopped out my mouth. I could actually HEAR her thought process go something like, ‘Hey! I’ve got a joke- yay me!- there’s the punchline- no wait! THERE’S ANOTHER! I’m ON FIRE!- hmm not sure about this but I’m committed now- oops. That didn’t sound as good out loud as it did in my head. In fact it might have been kinda insulting to the wrong person . . . like OH GOD IT’S A CUSTOMER.’

I regretted not doing more than smiling and looking vaguely perplexed, because I found it increasingly hilarious the more I thought about it – while in the meantime her supervisor stared appalled and the poor girl, at this stage bright red, went into blather overdrive.

I’m sorry to say I stored up the mirth until I related the incident to Andrew.

 “Well,” said Andrew, “while you were inside, I was under the car checking the leak and a car pulled up and Jed must have been sitting at the window, because I heard a woman say, ‘Oh, isn’t he a gorgeous fellow?’ and then I popped up just as her husband looked across, and he said, ‘Well, I suppose he’s all right’, and she’s going, ‘Oh, no NO, I meant the dog. Not er, you. Although you’re nice too’.”

Right there: THAT’S why Westmeat is my favourite shop in Blenheim.


Comments on: "Isn’t he a gorgeous fellow: rhetorical" (14)

  1. mumsie said:

    Thank the Lord for people with a sense of humour, reading this posting had me in stitches. Thank you for sharing.


  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Glad to hear it! Although I hate that Andrew’s story is better than mine. I still laugh when I think of him springing up just as the poor woman’s husband looks across 😀


  3. Cian said:

    The gist that I got from that is that you like other women hitting on your husband. Don’t worry she saw him – Jed was just the cover up when she realised that her other half was in the car with her. We’ve all said things out loud when by accident.

  4. deadlyjelly said:

    I dig that *smugfest*


  5. Cian said:

    But really I’m just jealous, I want somebody to hit on me – Benoît are you reading this???

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    Honey, you’re not trying hard enough. All I have to do is walk down the street, and guaranteed the ugliest man on the planet will give me the glad-eye. Every time. It’s one of my few certainties in this life.


  7. While I don’t have the honour of Cian’s personal acquiantance, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t look like you, so there’s no guarantee the ugliest man on Earth would be into him as well. After all, lechery is free – even the UMOE can afford to be picky about his leering.

    I think the first half of your story accurately captures why I’m never allowed to meet customers, not more than once at least. It’s a masterpiece of empathy. Thank you.

  8. deadlyjelly said:

    Cian’s dead cute and I’m pretty confident the Ugliest Man on Earth would letch on him too.

    I like to think most customers appreciate . . . I’m going to call it, ‘quirkiness’.


  9. Cian said:

    I really don’t need the Ugliest Man on Earth leering or letching over me, I think. Let him stay in Blenheim.

    But I’m a little concerned for you deadlyjelly in that every time you walk down the street, he is eying you. Assuming that he is not dying every time you walk the street I think you might actually have a real-life stalker. Also the chances of the Worlds 500 Ugliest Men being in Blenheim just doesn’t cut it either.

    Perhaps you might consider using other streets. I hope it is not the street with Westmeat or you’re kind of screwed. Actually Westmeat is not really on a street so I think your shopping expeditions are kind of safe for the time being.

  10. deadlyjelly said:

    Well, you DID say you wanted someone to hit on you. Ugliest Man in the World not good enough for you? Don’t be so superficial: it’s whether he’s beautiful on the inside that counts. But if you insist on being superficial, well, don’t forget he’s a World Title Holder.

    I know it’s not me you’re concerned for, but your place as my No 1. Stalker. Rest assured, your position is secure. You will always be my No. 1 Stalker unless someone better comes along, which is fairly unlikely; I mean, they’ve got to find me first AND be better.


  11. Cian said:

    Of course I can be superficial (fantasy ME that is – you know me better). I mean I’m totally monogamous so I wouldn’t do anything with them anyway. So then why bother have the Ugliest Man on Earth with a beautiful inside hit on me? I want my heart to go boom boom and skip a couple of beats.

  12. deadlyjelly said:

    Sounds grand in theory before you wind up in the operating theatre having a triple bypass.


  13. laughing here in california about life in westmeat.
    there, now you know you have mad skills in story-telling.

  14. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi CA! That story pretty much wrote itself; if only my book would do the same! 😀


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