The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

“Hope you avoided the bulls,” said Her Goatiness when I returned from my walk.

I paused in the process of unlacing my boot and squinted up at her. “Bulls?” I said. “No, I didn’t see anything. Apart from the two black cows in the paddock below.”

“Black cows? Those were BULLS, Niamhie. Didn’t you notice their nuts?”

Now, I have only recently graduated to the ability to distinguish chickens from goats, never mind determining the sex of livestock. I mean, I’d noticed the cows were a little beefier than the rest of the herd. Good conditioning, I’d thought sagely, congratulating myself on the appropriate application of agricultural jargon.

“Your Goatiness, I’m not some cocky who instinctively checks out an animal’s bollocks,” I said a tad archly. In any case, I generally go out of my way to avoid cows. I hate them: the glazed zombie eyes, the grinding jaws, the udders swinging like wrecking balls. And the way they RUSTLE. Ugh *shiver*.

“Jesus, Niamhie,” said Her Goatiness, “those bulls are seriously dangerous.”

I laughed. I don’t know; perhaps it was a nervous response to having unwittingly stared into the grinding jaws of death.

“I’m not joking! How far away were they?”

“Um. They were beside the gate when I let myself out of the paddock. About ten feet, I suppose.”

Her Goatiness actually went white.

“Jed went over and growled at them. Showed them who’s boss.” Although when one of the bulls lowered his head and wagged it, Jed swiftly ran out of bravado.

“NIAMHIE! They’ll kill him, you know!”

I would have been more touched by her concern if, when I’d started out on my walk, instead of saying, “Have a nice walk,” she’d said, “So you’re going for your usual late-afternoon walk which never varies in its route across the fields to the creek? Watch out for the two black bulls in the lower paddock. I’d avoid it if you wish to maintain your current status as ‘Living’.”


Comments on: "I didn’t notice the nuts" (3)

  1. I love your blog – even the husband thought it was funny 🙂

  2. I was charged by a bull once. The trick is to have a convenient screen of trees to dodge behind.

    Just in case you need tips.

    As luck would have it, on that particular occasion I had a dog with me too. And the bull did make a sterling attempt to kill the dog, but the dog benefited by being smaller and considerably faster on her feet.

  3. deadlyjelly said:

    Lux – hi and thank you! Just popped over to your blog, and I’m a reciprocal fan, you do some lovely stuff. Particularly liked the photo of Cork – reminded me of my rainy teenage childhood 🙂

    Vet – I’m afraid I walked right across the paddock, from corner to corner, towards the bulls standing guard at the gate. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, not even sufficient quantities of bullshit to lend cover. Once again, I underestimate the vast depths of my stupidity.


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