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The Asset

I suppose an account of what’s going on in The Deadly House of Jelly would be in order.

Well, the weather’s been happening. Lots of rain. Spots of sunshine. Wind, that’s fairly common.

So what else?



Let me see.

Oh yes: hey!

Guess what?

I’m pregnant.

In fact, this is the culmination of a long journey. Over the years, it gradually became clear Andrew and I were unable to have children without medical assistance. We were aware that many couples undergo years of fruitless IVF treatment and were prepared for failure – in fact, expected it – yet completely ill-equipped for some degree of success. Although luckier than many, we have experienced some heartbreaking lows along the way.

But I am delighted to report that, at the 13 week scan last week, ‘The Asset’ (working title) appears to be cookin nicely. He’s also an unbelievably handsome foetus. The radiologist actually said, “WOW. That’s possibly the best-looking foetus I have ever seen”.

Ok I admit it: he didn’t. Evidently an oversight or professional negligence.

When we first saw The Asset, he was stretched out full-length, completely laid back, legs crossed, arms behind the head, all “Man, this place is cool,” and wondering how to score some contraband. So there’s no doubt Andrew’s his dad. We’re not sure who the mother is yet – although since he’s so photogenic, there have to be some of my genes in the mix.

Even though The Asset is only about 8cm long, he has little feet! And hands! And fingers! It’s just so reassuring knowing he’ll be able to pick his own nose.

I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt with the slogan:

Crotchfruit gestating


The Asset (with helpful arrow)

or my favourite, as suggested by MarkJ:

Just fucking fat, all right?

Despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, I’m secretly convinced I’m the only person on the planet who ever got sprogged. By the way, if you ever catch me with my hand on my belly looking smug, you have my full permission – no, in fact, I ORDER you – to give me a sound kick up the cervix.

Anyway, that’s probably quite enough about spawning.

In other news: we’re moving house at the end of September.


Comments on: "The Asset" (12)

  1. deadlyjelly said:

    Crotchfruit pie


  2. Anonymous said:

    Congratulations! We are happy for you. Debbie and I have two grandchildren the “hard way,” i.e. through in vitro fertilization. Complicated, expensive and a low success rate. That makes them even more precious. We wish you all the best for your continuing pregnancy. John

  3. Anonymous said:

    Oops, didn’t mean to be “anonymous.” It’s cousin John from Iowa.

  4. Wow. Congratulations.

    When I first saw Atilla in his scans, he looked like he was wearing one of those masks from ‘Scream’. Handy for Halloween, obviously, but a bit of a trial the rest of the time. Fortunately in person his face is actually quite normal for a baby, which is to say a very small version of Winston Churchill.

    Some more congratulations. Take care. Be sure to look us up when you’re in Auckland, and before you get too fat to move.

  5. Anonymous said:

    Oops, didn’t mean to be anonymous. John in Iowa here.

  6. mumsie said:

    What lovely news for you; Congratulations. I thought I was too old for cooing over new babies but the arrival of young Atilla and getting to know him has proved conclusively that one never gets too old!
    My niece, same age as vet, has one in vitro daughter, then had something go wrong with second lot of invitro babies (twins) and then had an appointment for trying again when she fell pregnant the ‘old-fashioned’ way with the result being a mischievous littlle brother for big sister. So lovely and cheap said her husband!
    Enjoy your pregnancy and the Asset to the full! I look forward to the ongoing chronicles of his development along with yours and Andrews!

  7. JohnP said:

    Only someone yet to experience the costs of raising children could describe a child as an asset, its a liability, right? They only become an asset when they are old enough to look after you, as opposed to the other way round. Takes a while. Physics has the term ‘potential energy’, maybe this is a ‘potential asset’.

  8. Cian said:

    I actually have tears in my eyes. I’m totally thrilled for you both. I’m sure it has been a long journey. Just like you and your Andrew, I and my Andrew have always thought that we too would need medical intervention to have a child. For him, given his love of Children, it would be a serious blow to the head and for me, I like to think one of us would need a womb. Perhaps both are required. Bloody science.

    I can just see the future; the first word being a swear word, Andrew teaching him man stuff in the garage, you teaching him.. ahem.. well teaching him and perhaps screaming at him.

    Even though this news is wonderful, there is still a brain cell at the back of my mind going “a new play thing for Jed, how much fun”. And YES there is more than one brain cell there.

    Now enough of this baby talk, where the FECK am I supposed to go when I come visit next? You know in this post you are being totally selfish; a new baby and a place to live and the more important topic only gets 8 words.

    p.s. Really I am totally chuffed for you guys. I’m so chuffed I’m going to get you a t-shirt with “I eat babies” on it. I might just get Andrew one with “Oh what the F&ck have I done?”, or “My crime was fun, my punishment is life”.

  9. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi John – thanks! You’re right; at least one of the upsides of IVF is there’s no ambiguity about it: you know you really really REALLY want this baby. We know we’re incredibly lucky, especially compared to some of the stories we’ve heard.

    Vet – I’m afraid the likelihood of us getting to Auckland before The Asset makes his kung-fu appearance are slim. Should we get there we will definitely look you up – but in the meantime, if you’re ever passing by Oamaru, do pop in. I baked queen cakes and ginger crunch today.

    Mumsie – lovely to hear from you as always! I think when they’re related to you, children are more special. I remember holding my niece for the first time and there was a connection I’d never experienced before. So pleased your niece was successful; I guess the result is the same, but the ‘old fashioned’ way is a LOT more fun 🙂

    JohnP – this is a long-term investment. We expect The Asset to achieve earning potential within five years – either down the coal mines or picking pockets. Or perhaps sewing sneakers. Not sure; we’ll have to see what sort of aptitude he has.

    Cian – thank you! I wasn’t sure whether I’d ever hear from you again after this blog post. I’m delighted you can find it in your heart to be gracious, especially now you have nowhere to holiday. Well, that’s not true; you are most welcome to stay with us in Oamaru. There are penguins. Alternatively, come over next weekend; we’re free. BTW, your comment cracked us up. Andrew prefers your last t-shirt slogan.


  10. What truly excellent news!

  11. Anonymous said:

    Congratulations -so pleased for you guys. Doing a little dance for you. Yippee! Love Barbs and Simon.

  12. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi Lesley! Yes, we’re so excited. Feels like the start of a big adventure.

    Barbs and Simon – lovely to hear from you! It’s been a while. I was just about to drop you an email since I wasn’t sure you checked the blog.


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