The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Three days into our new home and we’re still chaotic. Basically our life can be described in terms of boxes and litres of Jif cleaning fluid.

After the movers relocated the bulk of our possessions last Thursday week, we made one more trip to the container in Spring Creek with a last trailer-load. The container smelled like the gorilla pit at the zoo. Please note it featured this delicate bouquet long before we ever stuffed it with our belongings. I’m not sure whether it seemed more potent due to my enhanced sense of smell or it had actually once contained gorillas.

As Andrew unloaded, “I thought you were going to put your motorbike in the container,” I said. Although phrased as a statement, Andrew recognised it for the pointed question it was.

“Decided not to,” he said. “We’ll have PLENTY of room for it on the trailer.”

I may never learn to decode my husband’s unique blend of brooding pessimism and misplaced idealism.

Container on its way, we set to cleaning the house. I was anxious to leave it spick, since not only are the landlords our friends, but they handed over the house in such pristine condition. Unfortunately, I underestimated the time it would take, allied with how pregnant I am, not to mention pedantic. You might call it a trifecta of miscalculation.

I was still cleaning on Saturday morning, the day we were to drive to Oamaru. While Andrew loudly expressed his astonishment how much stuff was left to fit on the trailer, I desperately wiped down door handles. The end result was three rooms and two bathrooms that gleamed, with skirting boards that could have been declared contamination-free zones. Unfortunately, the living room windows were still smudged with dog snot . . . but at least I got the blood stains off the walls and scraped most of the viscera off the ceiling.

I drove the MR2 the first leg of the trip, while Andrew drove the Hilux Surf towing a trailer that looked precariously volatile but, he assured me, was both stable and aerodynamically optimal.

We swapped vehicles just south of Blenheim and I drove the Surf the rest of the way. Again, I’m not sure whether it was pregnancy or the fact that we haven’t defurred it in a while but sitting into the Surf’s driver seat was a nauseating experience.

We hit Christchurch at around 5pm, where we collected a cot, which posed a challenging logistical problem for Andrew.

In Rolleston, we stopped for a late lunch from BP. I had a gourmet vegetarian pie which, given how hungry I was, should have been a taste sensation. Instead it was rather horrid, tasting of burnt-curry with a strangely chewy texture. It was only after I’d finished it that I realised I’d also eaten most of the wrapping paper.

Poor Andrew had to work on Sunday but I took a day off. On Monday morning, the Spring Creek Container Yard notified me that our possessions had arrived. In a quality effort, Andrew and The Welsh Giant relocated everything to the new house by early afternoon, while I . . . cleaned.

God I hate the smell of Jif.

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Comments on: "Aerodynamically optimal" (4)

  1. I have this strange image in my mind of the Jedster proudly sitting atop the trailer, ears flapping in the wind, adding to the optimalness of the situation.

  2. mumsie said:

    Congratulations, your’e in! Just make your beds and make sure you can prepare food, let everything else take its time and don’t overdo it. Look forward to hearing more about life in Wild Rose Hose.

    xxx

  3. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi FG! Although I fully endorse your mental image of Jedster straddling the trailer, I’m pretty sure Andrew would reject the proposal as being aerodynamically suboptimal. By the way, when Jed sticks his head out the car window, the most prominent flap is perpetrated by his jowls. It’s an incredible rippling effect which displays his gums. Hence one of his pet-names: Floppy Chops.

    Hi Mumsie – the bed’s made, sofa in situ, my kitchen cleaned and fully installed. Andrew’s on permanent stand-by to tackle and wrestle me onto the sofa at the merest hint of strain. Think I’m currently experiencing a crash; today might have to be devoted to lying around reading and contemplating food.

    x

  4. cianorn said:

    Did you not read the message on the back of the Jif bottle telling that you pregnant women, old people, children and dogs should not sniff it except under supervision of a doctor? Some reason along the lines of it can fuck up your sense of smell, or perhaps it leads to addictive tendencies (although it might be late for you on the latter).

    But more importantly why use a product which they renamed to Cif in other parts of the world. I mean what was the deal there? Ever since they renamed it, it has never featured in my shopping basket. Well that and by buying Mr. Muscle I was hoping that by drinking it, I too would become more muscular. That bloody didn’t work either.

    Glad you all are there now and I hope you are all settling in well. I hope you shall treasure your days there always.

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