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I missed a post last week.

(Shh! I don’t think anyone noticed!)

Still, I feel the only polite thing to do under the circumstances is to offer up an excuse. Since I’ve used ‘the dog ate my blog post’ at least once, I’m kind of stuck. All my creativity appears to be channeled into gestating. At this rate, The Asset will be a work of art. Or a real piece of work. Maybe a bit of both? Whatever.

Also, we’re still full-on just over two weeks into our new home. I have been engaged in an orgy of scrubbing. I assure you, the word ‘orgy’ (please see previous sentence) was wittingly applied. My affair with cloth is obsessive, dirty, frenzied, exhausting and slightly lustful; all appropriately packaged in complex emotions like shame and guilt.

So far I’ve cleaned the kitchen.

Really quite thoroughly, you know.

Also, I could do with a shower.

I would have liked to have the entire house scoured by now, but there have been so many other critical items demanding our attention, including but not limited to: extensive rugby analysis; thinking up imaginative insults for Irish and South African referees; distracting our midwife from discussing ‘bonking’ and the more literal aspects of digestion; and spending hours attempting to train Fisher & Paykel’s customer relations representatives. I am also required to provide critical backup and support for Andrew’s stealth ops to Mitre 10.

And then there’s the garden. If you sit and stare at it, you can actually see the vegetation advancing on the house. It is – literally – a jungle out there. We may not be at risk of being attacked by tigers in our back yard, but currently the most efficient way of getting to the garage is swinging Tarzan-style on a vine from the front door.

Which has proved challenging at seven months pregnant.

Yesterday, armed with a trowel and sunhat, it took me five hours to clear an area roughly the size of a manhole cover. At the current rate of progress, the garden might be free of weeds by 2030. Alternatively, I could send Andrew out with a vat of Roundup; or we could just spend the money and tastefully concrete the entire section – which is the option I’m currently favouring.

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Comments on: "The dog ate my blog post" (7)

  1. Roundup. Please no, never not roundup. When I become a dictator, Roundup is top of my list for banning, well that and anything else associated with Monsanto. Yep that’s right I’m keeping Paris Hilton, J-Lo and the one who is in and out of rebab, currently doing community service in a Morgue. Oh and Kim Kardashian, I’m keeping her. I’ve no idea who she is, but google seems to think she is annoying.

    Well I never wish against money, prosperity and all that, but I hope you are broke after buying the house, just so you won’t waste the money on the concrete. That just sounds wrong.

    Have you not heard of wallpaper/painting parties? I believe they were all the rage a few years ago whereby you invited a load of friends/relations around and they did the wallpapering or painting and you fed and watered them. You could do the same, except you would have an advantage in that you could call it a Garden Party. They might get the wrong idea, but that’s all good. Once you set them straight they won’t be in a rush to come back and Andrew, you, Jed and the forthcoming asset could then be left in peace.

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Instead of banning Roundup, why don’t you just apply it to Kim Kardashian, PH and Skanklo? I’m sure it would be pretty effective. If not, you could pour it into a huge vat and just drown the lot of them.

    I might give Skanklo a pass because she’s terrific entertainment value. Did you see she’s doing a Playboy shoot because she’s running out of money? She could barely afford a new Fendi bag to bring to her court appearance. Apparently she’s going full biscuit – GAG. I’d say the Photoshop technicians will be working overtime on it.

    No sympathy. She and Amy Winehouse, throwing all that talent and potential away with both hands. It vexes me (in case you were wondering: this is me, vexed).

    God, I never knew I could be so bitchy.

    As for the garden: if Andrew gets his way it will be fence to fence decking 😀

    x

  3. I didn’t know there was a maximum quota to the number of posts Jed could eat. I thought he had a healthy appetite. I did notice a lack of posts last week, but I assumed you were up to your navel in unpacked boxes and cleaning materials. Glad to know I was half-right.

    One trouble with decking is that the plants can, once they get their roots into gear, grow up through it. (Come to think of it they can grow up through concrete as well, particularly if you get it done cheaply.)

    Have you considered keeping goats? Or possibly possums? Either one would eat all the vegetation it can get its teeth to, and goats would also allow you to make your own cheese. (The meat is also delicious, for carnivores.)

  4. Some of us did notice the missed post. We are starved for entertainment here in Canada. We just didn’t want to say anything for fear of a hormonal backlash, what with the pregnancy and all. Actually, from what you have written, you seem to be running on a pretty even keel. We hope that you are well and we send you good thought often. (Well, when we think of you.) Oh, and best wishes on the success of the All Blacks!

  5. mumsie said:

    Glad to hear you only missed the post because of all the upheaval involved with the move – I missed the posting and was hoping it didn’t mean some disaster had overtaken you. As for the garden, if you don’t want to keep goats or rabbits etc. have you thought of a camomile lawn? Being high up you should be reasonably well drained (or at least not soggy) and it might work. Some decking is nice, but not overdone. Good luck with whatever you decide on. I’m sure I’m not the only one waiting to see snaps from your new environment.

    xxx

  6. deadlyjelly said:

    Vet – of course, “the dog ate my homework” is a classic, timeless excuse. However, although it always feels fresh, I have no idea how it has withstood the test of time because – let’s face it – I’m not sure any teacher has ever accepted it as a plausible excuse for turning up without your algebra exercises, at least not without wanting to check the specific dog’s back end performance. Since it’s never been proved that dogs prefer eating maths, its efficacy seems limited.

    FG – no hormonal backlash; I’m just chuffed somebody noticed the lack of post! In fact, now I’m getting all emotional . . . hmm, I suppose that qualifies as a hormonal backlash 😀 Yes, we’re pretty chuffed the ABs won the world cup, so thanks for that. Shame it’s all over, no more free dinners at The Outlaws’.

    Mumsie – in fact, I’d prefer more lawn because mowing is Andrew’s job haha. Decking is Andrew’s passion; when we lived in Dubai, our garden was half sandstone paving (low maintenance), a quarter grass (token nod to the Irish amongst us) and quarter decking.

    I’ve been meaning to get out and take some snaps of the new house and gardens – think my father in law is waiting on the pics too. Hopefully I’ll get around to it this week . . .

    x

  7. My word I see that Kim Kardashian’s marriage is all over. Hello news paper – how about some real news cause I don’t give a f*ck about her. Bitchy is good. I’m hoping that this is not just a side effect of being pregnant. Long may it continue. Oh course it will, you’re Irish for God’s sake.

    Well I am sure Andrew will not get his way on the decking. What’s the point in starting off going down that road? You’ll lose your power. Decking all over the garden! Tell him you’ll deck him with the timbers instead.

    I’m sure that you did not have room to bring a goat with you from up north, but it’s not a bad idea. You could steal one from the outlaws. Of course I too, like mumsie, long to see some photos.

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