The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Before we married, Andrew and I agreed he would wear his wedding ring for a minimum of 6 months.

In return, I would take his surname.

Well, it wasn’t written into the marriage vows – and anyway, Andrew only wore his wedding ring for 3 months. ALSO, my ulterior motive for the request was the expectation that the band would become an extension of his finger. In the event he was involved in a terrible accident resulting in severe arm trauma and his left hand swelling alarmingly, he’d fight off the doctor advancing with motorised cutters, deliriously screaming, “Get away from my ring! You’re not having it!”

Since that situation never came to pass, it seems pretty clear to me it constitutes a breach of said agreement rendering it null and void.

However, over eight years after the happy day when we yoked ourselves to each other till death or a misunderstanding involving a transsexual called Clarabelle and secret offshore bank account do us part, I applied for a new passport.

In fairness, I always intended to change my name. One reason I didn’t was because Andrew and I thought we might be able to engage in dodgy tax fraud that somehow turns out to be legal if I were still Shaw (in retrospect, I’m not sure how we envisioned that working). Another is I never got around to it. And finally, I wasn’t gestating a crotchfruit. If The Asset weren’t imminent early in the New Year, I would have waited until my passport expired in August 2012 before I became Niamh Meister-Leifburger or whatever Andrew’s surname is. I suppose I should really look that up.

Last time I renewed my passport, all that was required was a call to the Irish Consulate asking them to make out a passport in the name of Niamh Shaw, thanks a million.

THINGS HAVE INDEED CHANGED.

Three months ago, upon my request, the Consulate General of Ireland sent me a passport application form. I knew it was for an Irish passport because, hilariously, it included an information pamphlet on how NOT to take a passport photo, with pictures of random people wearing clown noses and sticking their faces up against windows etc.

To issue a passport in my married name, I had to submit our original marriage certificate (The Consulate General of Ireland evidently doesn’t trust Notary Publics) – and my original birth certificate to verify my maiden name. If I wanted my original documents returned – along with the new passport – I had to include a self-addressed sign-on-delivery courier bag. Rather makes you wonder what the $160 fee was for – for which the only accepted payment was a bankers’ cheque.

The passport photos – four according to the application form, although the supplementary documentation stated two – had to be confirmed as a true likeness of the applicant by an authority figure, e.g. a policeman or, you know, librarian.

I have no idea what the big deal is about getting a passport. I mean, they’re not exactly rare. Pretty much everybody has one.

Anyhoo. It took a while to put the application together. Andrew took some photos and I selected the image which looked least like I was contemplating assassinating John Key. After spending an hour on MS Paint arranging it in a collage, I took it to the pharmacy to get it printed.

Then I went to the police station.

“I’m looking for someone with the appropriate authority,” I announced at reception, spreading the forms across the counter.

“Well,” said the personable Jason, “you’ve come to the right place, ma’am.”

He was required to write the application form’s unique reference number on the back of two of the passport photos, and sign them.

“Do you have a black pen?” I asked. “Because it says on the form you need to use a black pen. Oh, and if you can find a pair of scissors- no, wait. I have some here in my bag.”

“What else do you have in the bag?” he asked, suspiciously eyeing me snipping up photos.

“Nothing I wish to disclose, thanks.”

Jason got so carried away by the power vested in him that he signed all nine of my passport photos.

“Don’t want you coming back,” he said.

“Oh, come on. Are you trying to tell me I’m the dodgiest character you’ve seen all week?”

“Don’t know. You might have a bomb strapped to your waist.”

“No, no; it’s a foetus I swear.”

Policemen are MUCH more fun than Customs Officials. Except, I suppose, when they’re trying to get you to breathe into the nozzle.

Off I went to NZ Post to mail the application – which was where/when I found I’d forgotten my original passport.

Back at home, Andrew pointed out another problem.

I’m not even sure how to coherently relate this. Ok, so. Look. *sigh!* You see. On the form was a box for my signature. And I kind of panicked and put the wrong one. Well obviously it was my signature – I mean, I wrote it – only it didn’t look like it usually does. It’s like I had a fleeting personality change halfway through signing, resulting in a squirmy bit in the middle. I think I was intimidated by the stringent instruction to keep within the lines of the box, which was WAY too small to adequately express my personality.

In any case, after I had written my signature – outside the box, with a wobble in the middle – I realized it was supposed to have been witnessed by an authority figure.

So before going to the police station, I Tippexed it out.

It almost looked like I hadn’t touched it at all.

Jason hadn’t noticed anyway.

But THEN I got home and made the mistake of saying to Andrew, “Do you think it matters my signature’s blue?”

And he said, “No, but the TIPPEX MIGHT BE A PROBLEM.”

Seriously, I don’t know why I bother talking to him. It always ends in tears.

Since you can’t download the application form off the Internet, I sent off to the Consulate General of Ireland for another. Then I printed more passport photos and returned to the police.

I wasn’t looking forward to explaining The Tippex Affair to Jason – or persuading him I wasn’t stalking him. Apart from exceptional circumstances I’m not really into that and anyway, to be honest, I prefer firemen.

Thankfully Jason was off giving out speeding tickets, so I got Angela. She was evidently more clued in than Jason since she actually asked to see my ID. Although I’m glad I didn’t get her the first time around, because no doubt Angela would have detected Tippex.

However, when she went to stamp the back of my passport photo it rolled up into the stamp and, when she finally prised it out, my face was covered in blue ink.

The information pamphlet on how not to take a passport photo hadn’t mentioned anything about not having a blue face, so I licked it a bit and scrubbed it with a tissue from up Angela’s sleeve. I sent it off, even though I still looked like one of my recent ancestors was a full-blooded Smurf.

Two days later, the Consulate General of Ireland called to say our marriage certificate isn’t valid.

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Comments on: "Niamh Meister-Leifburger" (5)

  1. mumsie said:

    Oh,my God! That was genuinely my reaction after having enjoyed a few laughs at all the officialeese entailed in getting a passport. And I’ve got mine lying here with an application form for renewal even now!
    Good luck and I look forward to the rest of this saga.

    xxx

  2. Cian said:

    Do you know I wish you had to renew your passport on an annual basis. It’s just too funny. Do you think I’m being a bit cruel? Well as I have mentioned before you need to have a passport chip under your skin, because you and passports just don’t mix. You must have known that things would not go according to plan.

    But let me congratulate you on living in sin and I hope your parents got a kick out of the fact the marriage cert is invalid. I guess you could have another Wedding to set things straight or just fake one. I’m sure a fake one would accepted no bother.

    The last time I renewed my passport, I went to the pharmacy to get my photos and they were taken inappropriately according to the lovely guidelines (I’m pretty sure one of them was not to take the photo with your head in a bucket. Another might have been photos of feet would not be accepted). Still though I send them off and the passport office did not blink. So now I have a massive head in my passport, but at least they did not tell me my Birth Cert was invalid or anything like that. I would not be surprized if that was something they said – “Sorry your Birth Cert isn’t Valid – You were not born at all and are actually a figment of your own imagination”.

  3. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi mumsie – best of luck with your passport application! My parents have just arrived here on holiday and – bless ’em – they managed to skip into The Department of Marriages, Births and Deaths en route to the airport and procure our civil marriage certficate. Let’s see what the Consulate General of Ireland comes up with next.

    Actually, that reminds me of a joke:
    Where does a general keep his armies?
    Up his sleevies.

    Cian – I thought my passport mishaps had more to do with airports and travel than the document itself. But I also seem to have a low Luck of the Irish quotient when it comes to form-filling and procedure, since NZ Immigration weren’t too keen on my residency application three years ago.

    By the way, it’s not just your passport photo; you actually have a massive head. Sorry if that comes as a shock – although I’m surprised you didn’t notice all these years?

    I’d just LOVE to be a figment of my own imagination. That sounds so totally me.

    x

  4. Do I vaguely remember an incident where you were on one continent and your passport was on another?

  5. deadlyjelly said:

    Hi FG – hahaha! You might do – except thankfully it wasn’t me. Whoever it was, we’d better not ever meet, or we might cause an irreparable rupture in the fabric of the cosmos.

    x

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