The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Andrew has been testing our blood pressure, having bought Her Goatiness a second-hand blood-pressure monitor on Trademe a few days ago.

My blood pressure is fine, on the border between the desirable range and Pre-Hypertensive. Andrew is Stage 2 Hypertensive, but at least he’s doing better than the dog who is in Hypertensive Crisis. It just goes to show: there’s always someone worse off than yourself.

Upon reading the manual, Andrew realized the monitor wasn’t supposed to be used after eating or exercise. He confined himself to a prone position on the sofa, obsessively and/or compulsively measuring and re-measuring himself. His last diastolic reading was physically impossible. I’m disappointed the monitor doesn’t come with a warning: ‘Alert, alert. You are clinically dead. Please contact a doctor immediately.’

Perhaps if he hadn’t been clinically dead, he would have read the manual properly. It turned out he was applying the monitor upside-down.


Comments on: "Alert: please contact a doctor immediately" (1)

  1. I can’t be sure of course, but there’s a good chance it’s not actually designed for dogs.

    We’ve been practising with the Wii Fit for the past few weeks. Baby Atilla hugely enjoys it. He doesn’t have a lot of patience for the yoga, but he does enjoy chasing the virtual cat, which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t. And watching Mummy get whacked amidships by a two-tonne wrecking ball – that’s his idea of a great evening.

    PS: thank you for posting. I was getting Concerned again. Even though this claims to have been posted weeks ago, it’s only just appeared in my wossname.

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