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Ebola leaf

Diseased grass

Diseased grass

After I’d put the kids to bed the other evening, I was out in the garden raking leaves. Yeah, I far prefer draping myself across the sofa stuffing crackers in my face and watching X-Factor worst auditions on Youtube, but those leaves aren’t going to rake themselves you know.

As for why I hadn’t raked leaves earlier in the day, well, I have two kids. Anyone who doesn’t graciously accept that as the ultimate, tiger-blood, champion all-stars, boss excuse that it is either has no children, and/or is a cock. But ok: Thursday was a chaotic scramble of keeping the children alive long enough to get them to care; editing a 6 page funding application which is one of two part-time jobs I work; massaging my sick dog; exploding hair; collecting the kids and not forgetting one or both; packing Finn’s rugby bag; finalising the application and distracting Saoirse from eating it while I delivered it while Andrew took Finn to rugby; and then the carnage surrounding dinner.

So your general, standard-issue day.

Also: leaves.

All over the lawn.

Shitloads of the fuckers.

There’s a dude at the bottom of our hill who occasionally leaves his floodlight on, and I turned on the outside light, and it was a lovely, still, clear night with loads of stars . . . perfectly suited to lying on the sofa with a plate of crackers, but there I was raking leaves.

I’m thinking: “Jesus H C this literally motherfucking rake is fucking USELESS,” because it didn’t seem to be picking up anything. I’d done about half the garden when I realised the rake was upside-down.

Things progressed much faster once I turned it around.

After about an hour and a half, the garden looked much better (what I could actually see of it).

At nine o’clock, when I went inside to make Husband his dinner, he said, “Nice wellies. So do you know why you’re raking leaves?”

“Because . . . it’s . . . on the task list on the blackboard?”

“Well, I suppose there’s that, yes. But also, if you leave them on the lawn it can cause grass disease. You know, I raked the lawn the other day and it only took me half an hour-”

“Well, you should probably just take care of it in future,” I said, clanging a frying-pan forcefully against the stove-top, “because you’re obviously more mentally and emotionally prepared for raking leaves-”

“No, I meant: you don’t have to rake up every single last leaf.”

“Well, what’s the fucking point, then?”

I mean: OF COURSE you’ve got to get every last single leaf, because otherwise where do you draw the line? Two leaves? Three? Four hundred? Exactly; you never know which leaf has Ebola, so you better get the lot of them


Comments on: "Ebola leaf" (2)

  1. Cian said:

    WTH (Getting older, so we’re replacing fuck with heck) – Have you swapped out Finn out for an older model? Rugby? What age do they start it at? Then again I guess it is New Zealand and one needs to start early to become an All Black. Or are you just packing his bag for 2019? being ‘Irish’ prepared as usual.

    But raking leaves is important and I’m glad you’re improving. Practice makes perfect. Then again I grew up in a house that was known for its frequently cut and shortened grass. We always joked that if we won the lotto, we’d get green carpet put down for our mother. Yep, the concept of artificial lawn hadn’t reached West Cork at that stage. Maybe it still hasn’t. Then again I priced it a couple of weeks ago in Bunnings and I died of a heart attack. I was re-born after Andrew mentioned the cleaning up of dog wee and poo, so we decided against it for our new patio thingie coming in June.

    But if I ever hear that you used a leaf blower (or even sucker), we’re divorced.

    Anyway, on a serious note, don’t be silly, it’s 2016, leaves don’t carry Ebola, they now carry the Zika virus. But I’d be far more concerned about Finn practicing rugby and slipping on one and ruining any chance of playing with the All Blacks. Also, they also might slow down any trains passing over your lawn, because as we all know trains need to slow down with leaves on the track. You really want those trains moving swiftly.

    Anyway, time to leave you and join the Eurovision voting, because well Youtube is broken and living on the 7th floor I’ve already swept the 3 leaves onto the balcony underneath.

  2. deadlyjelly said:

    Ok first of all: that comment is INSANE – it’s longer than my original post! No actually; first of all has to be replacing fuck with heck, to which the only reasonable response is WTF?!?! I think my language has got worse with age (see any recent blog posts for evidence).

    So here in New Zealand, they start kids on rugby at age 2 – so Finn might actually be already too old and we’ll have to retire him at the grand old age of 4. It’s called ‘ripper rugby’ and it’s pretty hilarious; Finn’s kit comes down past his knees and the kids just run around all over the show. So far, Finn’s strategy has been roly-polys.

    Er . . . what’s wrong with leaf-blowers? Not that we have one; just interested. They look like much more fun than raking.

    God, I miss the Eurovision 😦 Hope all is great with you x

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