The other day I was kicked out of a local restaurant. Well, I wasn’t seized by the ears and hurled through the window, but only because the establishment does not retain bouncers. However, the psychological effect was similar.
I will not going to fully disclose why I was booted out of the restaurant, because – well. Despite being a writer gifted with a remarkable talent for exaggeration, it is difficult – if not impossible – to document the events leading up to the eviction in a way that illuminates me in a sympathetic light. Believe me, I’ve tried; but even when I lie, I keep toppling off the moral high ground.
The facts of the matter that I am at liberty to divulge are as follows:-
- The manageress accused me of trying to abduct a pot of peppermint tea
- Then she charged me with perpetrating a falsehood
- She was squat and dumpy and smelled nasty
I can’t understand why revenge isn’t more widely practiced on a lower level. I am now plotting my terrible revenge. My wrath will be manifold and great. So far, it takes the form of a letter of complaint. I feel I might need to ramp it up a bit
Husband and I have both embraced Trademe, to the extent that I have been known to spend half a day bidding on waffle irons just for the adrenaline rush. What a fabulous site – although I’ve had an item listed for two weeks now and only one bid. Think I need to work on my marketing: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Books/Fiction-literature/General-fiction/Author-AC/auction-144868571.htm?p=1.
After a week in our new house, I bid for an espresso machine and won a Breville Café Roma Espresso machine for $20 – bargain! (Let’s overlook the fact that I spent about three times that in petrol picking it up.) I emailed the seller informing her that, being freshly arrived in the country, I had no furniture and considered an espresso machine a compulsory appliance even if we had to sit on the floor and drink out of our hands.
Bless her, she threw in two cups.
Everyone has been wonderfully welcome and I am so thankful. Having no friends, I think I project a sort of pathetic neediness that people respond to. Whenever I pick up something I won on Trademe – a dehumidifier, a car, a laundry basket – I have to hold back from inviting myself in: “How about coffee and a scone? If you don’t have scones, just coffee would be fine, or tea or a glass of water. Will you be my friend? I’m very loyal. How about an acquaintance then? PLEASE? All right! I’m letting go of your leg, there’s no need to, you know. Kick it.”