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Indiana Jones and the Big Gob of Fluorescent Chewing Gum

Look, it’s not as if I expected the classic brilliance of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’, or the gory humour of ‘Temple of Doom’. It’s virtually impossible to eclipse chilled monkey brain dessert, but I expected more, I did. After all, Steven’s had 19 years to polish the wry jokes and construct a compelling storyline. What’s the man been doing?

Just after the opening credits, Harrison Ford pilots a fridge out of a nuclear blast, but the stunt evidently wore him out for the remainder of the movie. He may be 65 years of age, but that’s no excuse for strolling into a burial chamber to pick up his artefact and ambling out again. There was a tragic lack of ingenious booby traps. Where were the poison darts, boiling lava and lethal giant trundling boulders? As far as I’m concerned, if Harrison can’t roll, charge, swing or leap out of airplanes in inflatable dinghies, it’s time he retired the whip. Even swarms of killer ants failed to add menace to the picture. It simply felt like the movie suffered from an ant infestation.

On one occasion, Indy escapes a pit of dry quicksand when it’s BARELY UP TO HIS CHEST. His chest! And if he’d been left there, it might have been up to his chin by the end of the movie. The only thing in any mortal danger was the sense of drama.

I’m still not sure what the story was about. Something about a crystal skull which has to be brought somewhere or other for some reason or other. Even the skull was a disappointment; far from being a special effects triumph of glass with fully functional hinged jaw, it looked more like a gob of fluorescent chewing gum.

The arch villain, Irina Spalko, stumbled into the film after taking a wrong turn on her way to a Bond movie. In a brave career move, Cate Blanchett brings an evil pantsuit to the role which makes her arse look about three times bigger than it is. Spalko spends a lot of time and energy running around after a big gob of fluroescent chewing gum, when she could have fulfilled her vocation as a dominatrix by simply stealing Indy’s whip. I spent most of the movie fantasising about being spanked by Cate Blanchett.

Unfortunately, the fantasy was better than the film

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