The deadliest, jelliest site ever. Brought to you by Niamh Shaw

Posts tagged ‘lyrics’

Recent events in music

Me: If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me.

Husband: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide-

Me: Ooh. Baby, please don’t go.

Husband: No escape from reality.

Me: If you leave me now, you’ll take away the very heart of me.

Husband: Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.

Me: Ooh, Baby. Please don’t go. A love like ours- is love that’s hard to find.

Husband: I’m just a poor boy. I need no sympathy.

Me: How could we let it slip away?

Husband: Because I’m easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Any way the wind blows? Doesn’t really matter to me.

Me: We’ve come too far-

Husband: To me.

Me: To leave it all behind.

Husband: Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head. Pulled the trigger. Now he’s dead.

Me: How could we end it all this way?

Husband: Mama, life had just begun! But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away!

Me: When tomorrow comes, we’ll both regret things we said today.

Husband: Mama. Ooh. Didn’t mean to make you cry.

Me: A love like ours is love that’s hard to find. How could we let it slip away?

Husband: If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on. Carry on, as if nothing really matters.

Me: We’ve come too far to leave it all behind-

Husband: Too late. My time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody. I’ve got to go. Got to leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama. Ooh. I don’t want to die.

Me: How could we end it all this way?

Husband: I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.

Me: When tomorrow comes we’ll both regret things we said today.

Husband: I see a little silhouetto of a man: Scaramouche, Scaramouche will you do the fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning; very, very frightening. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo figaro.

Me: If you leave me now, youll take away the biggest part of me.

Husband: Magnifico.

Me: Ooh, Baby-

Husband: But I’m just a poor boy. Nobody loves me.

Me: Please don’t go.

Husband: Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?

Me: Bismillah! No.

Husband: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Mamma  mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me!

Me: Just got to-

Husband: For ME!

Me: Have you-

Husband: FOR ME!

Me: By my side.

Husband: So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, Baby. Can’t do this to me! Baby! Just got to get out! Just got to get right out of here!

Me: No, Baby, please don’t go.

Husband: Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters.

Me: Oh mama, I just got to have your lovin’. Yeah. We’ve come to far to leave it all behind.

Husband: Nothing really matters to meeee.

Auld lang syne

For New Years’, we joined a representative cross-section of the good denizens of Oamaru sporting an abnormally high number of mullets at the Hampden Tavern.

Overheard at the bar, from someone I will describe as a barmaid in the loosest sense of the word: “Bring that wine glass back – you’re not getting a fresh one every time.”

It was relatively quiet: soggy chips, bourbon & ginger beers washed down with multiple shots. As midnight approached, I grew increasingly anxious. I was particularly concerned about the man in the nearby corner who wore a vest and appeared to have transplanted his head with a pit-bull’s. If he moved in for a celebratory smooch, I would never have got him off my face.

My sister in law challenged me to a spazzy dance-off, but when I described my table-top Achy Breaky Heart moves (self-accompanied), she defaulted.

I hope you have a terrific 2009 , featuring countless acts of love, snuggles, hidden depths, kindness, unsuspected bravery, heroism and spandex.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
Lalalaa lala sunSHINE!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
La la lala soggy brine

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang SYNE!
Nana nana nanananaa
For auld lang syne

Someone stole my bold

On Thursday, the weather was so balmy we opened the doors and windows and ate lunch on the balcony. It’s been a while since that was possible without being swept away by a tsunami of rain. The temperature has climbed at least four degrees in the last ten days.

But enough about the weather. At the rate I go on about it, you’d think I was Irish or something.

The sunshine was that saucy (last mention, honest), it tempted Husband and I out on our mountain bikes. Again, I’ve written essays on cycling, so I’ll almost leave it there. Except to say this was the first time in over a week we’ve been out biking, since we were visiting the Outlaws in South Island. If that comes as a surprise, well, I’m canny like that.

It’s calving season on the farm, which means there was a disturbing amount of mucous. According to local legend (Craig), one of their pregnant heifers suffered such a build-up of gas that she fired her newborn right across the field. I suppose you might call it an explosive delivery. If the calf wasn’t dead at blast-off, it certainly was by the time it hit the neighbouring paddock.

Since I am chronically afflicted with Pteromerhanoboviphobia (fear of airborne cows) I spent the entire week cowering in the living room. Husband’s family pretty much treat me as one of the livestock, albeit a pedigree. It suits everyone: I get fed and watered, and have even trained the Outlaws to the extent that everyone is horrified when I fix myself a drink.

Mother In Law: Niamhie, did you make that?

Me: *martyred sigh!* Yes.

Mother In Law: CRAIG! Poor Niamhie had to get her own drink.

Craig: Ker-rist.

Don’t ask me how I arranged that; I only wish I knew. [Note: this phenomenon applies only to Husband’s immediate family, not Husband himself.]

It wasn’t an entirely one-sided arrangement. Every now and then I did the dishes, in order to feel useful and moan about how dishwashing fluid dries out my hands. Also, I exercised the farm dogs, albeit inadvertently when they came to round me up at the end of the day. And I am great entertainment value in the evening.

At least the surfeit of sloth gave me time to catch up on some quality TV.

On Oprah, I discovered that apparently, someone has stolen my bold. The pyschologist was regrettably vague about who or when, although it was probably a man (cue earnest shot to earnest woman in audience nodding earnestly). She also failed to specify whether I could retrieve the Bold if I staged a daring counter-raid, or whether it would be a waste of time because shortly after the theft my Bold was traded on the Black Market. Then again, it was difficult to make her out with all the hair patting and gesticulating.

I can’t say I’m happy about the situation because, despite not being entirely sure what it is, my Bold sounds like a useful asset. I’m considering robbing someone else’s Bold. Maybe Husband’s, because he appears to have double or even triple rations of Bold. Even though he heatedly denies it, chances are he was the one who stole my Bold in the first place.

Once you get over how profoundly disturbing shows like The Swan and Wife Swap are, they make compelling telly. On Swan, women who are mentally compromised and/or have deep-rooted issues apply for a makeover, because they believe their earlobes or abnormally large ankles are what is holding them back in life. In a fairly typical overview, Kelly explains how she has always hated her teeth: “Kids made fun of me in school. They called me- they- <sob!> called me ‘Rabbit Teeth’. I kind of nibbled my food. I just know <pause to wipe eyes> if I didn’t have these teeth, everything would be better.”

When I say ‘makeover’, two participants are whisked off to a hotel where they have cosmetic and/or reconstructive surgery, followed by an extreme diet and exercise for three months. Neither woman is allowed see themselves until the grand unveiling in front of a full-length mirror.

“Are you ready?” asks the presenter, gripping Kelly’s hands fiercely. “Are you ready to meet the brand new you?”

The curtains over the mirror swish back, and Kelly’s all:-

“Oh my God! Oh my Gaw-haw-hawd! Is that- I can’t believe it’s really ME! I’m SO BEAUTIFUL! Waah! Waah! Waah!” <fluttering hands>

“You’re a new person!”

“I am! A new person!”

In this case, Kelly was fitted with a full set of glow-in-the-dark veneers. Despite the fake choppers being freakishly large and causing a significant overbite, Kelly appeared to be ecstatic. She proceeded to the Swan Pageant because her competitor was disqualified for smuggling a mirror into the hotel in her anus.

Wife Swap features two families where the matriarchs abandon their families to be temporarily installed with another. Wiccan chicken-worshippers are placed with born-again Christian families, and composting yoghurt-weavers with families who mainline MacDonald’s. That sort of stuff.

I don’t know what the duration of stay is, but the whole exercise is staggeringly irresponsible. I’ve only seen the show a couple of times, but it has never featured anyone I would trust to water my plants. No family members have been killed in the production of this show, but it can only be a matter of time.

In ‘Don’t Forget The Lyrics!’, contestants have to guess the lyrics of a given song. In a nail-biting buttock-clencher, Nicole had to guess the next ten words to Michael Jackson’s ‘Rock With You’.

Girl close your eyes
Let that rhythm get into you
Don’t try to fight it
There ain’t nothing that you can do
Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine
You got to feel that beat
And we can ride the boogie-

____ ____ ____ ____ ____
____ ____ ____ ____ ____

There you go folks, what are the last 10 words?

$600,000 at stake, and Nicole tanked.

The Outlaws have viewed me with a new respect since I leaped to my feet, gripped my crotch, and nailed the lines in a dazzling performance:-

Share that beat of looove!
I wanna rock with you-OW!

Of course, they were not to know that I have stored in my memory banks a library of seventies and eighties lyrics, including the entirety of Boney M’s canon. Couldn’t tell you what I had for breakfast this morning, but

Caribbean Queen!
Now we’re sharin the same dreeam!
And our hearts they beat as one
No more love on the run

Tag Cloud