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Posts tagged ‘news’

Tagging: a national crisis

I love the news in this country, where tagging (graffiti) is considered a national crisis. Yes, yes, of COURSE I might feel differently had I ever had ‘scank’ scrawled across my living room window in a neon pink barely legible hand and spent days trying to scrub it off with an abrasive cleaner.

But you know New Zealand is a wonderful place to live when front-page news is: ‘Woman mauled by pet cat’, or – my personal favourite – ‘Man kicks hedgehog’.

Most days, the first thing I do is throw an eyeball at Stuff. Boy, was I glad I took that extra ten minutes this morning. What a treat! Had I been successful in tuning in The Rock, it would have been the perfect start to the weekend.

First up, Auckland’s annual Boobs on Bikes parade. Can I just state upfront that I have every respect for any woman taking her top off at this time of year. I’m sure Queen Street was a tit bit nipply yesterday.

The organizer of the event, arc-welder Steve Crow – oh, sorry, no, my mistake; that would be PORNOGRAPHER Steve Crow – pledged to distribute 12,500 vouchers for a full-length hard-core porn film worth $20.

“There is a lot of evidence,” said Steve, “that ready access to porn actually reduces the incidence of rape and other sexual offences in society so I thought why not get behind this evidence and help do something to try and reduce the shocking levels of sexual and violent crime in our country.”

Go Steve the porn humanitarian! I can’t wait to hear how he proposes to combat tagging.

Next, Man drove off in ambulance as friend treated. The 22 year old Dunedin man – he’s gotta be a scarfie – called paramedics when his buddy fell four metres over a concrete wall and fractured his skull and vertebrae. After they arrived, he drove off in the ambulance, no doubt giggling insanely. He can’t have been going very fast, because the flashing lights didn’t come on and one of the paramedics caught up with him 50 metres down the road.

Senior Sergeant Steve Aitken, demonstrating a commendable gift for understatement, said, “Alcohol could be a significant factor.”

His ex-friend was taken to Dunedin Hospital.

And finally, The Vatican rejects the resignations of two Irish auxiliary bishops following their reported involvement in the Roman Catholic Church’s cover-up of child abuse.

I don’t understand The Vatican, these servants of . . . God, is it? The Vat’s ongoing response to the child abuse scandal continues to confound, although if the Roman Catholic Church condoned it in the first place – which it undoubtedly did by suppressing and denying reports of abuse in the first instance – then denying it is a minor offence in comparison. But surely denying a crime on this scale is like attempting to conceal a corpse with a hanky covered in holes?

If The Vat refuses to account for its involvement and cover-up of sex abuse scandals for moral, ethical and – what’s that word again? – oh yes, CHRISTIAN reasons, it should probably do so for the PR.

Errant kissing

A man has received a three-month jail sentence for kissing a woman by mistake.

Note: In the Middle East, you should always take a moment to correctly identify your kissee before puckering up.
The 54-year-old woman can’t have too many lads queuing up for a snog, but rather than reveling in her new found pulling power she reported the 49-year-old Lebanese man (identified as NY) to the police.
NY told the Dubai Court of First Instance: “I met her near the elevator and a conversation happened, and I kissed her by mistake.”
At least he didn’t shag her by mistake, in which case she might have been seriously traumatised

Shaving behind the ears

The Sunday Times reports that when some men get face lifts, they have to SHAVE BEHIND THEIR EARS

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