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Posts tagged ‘swearing’

Dead ducks

It was a big weekend: the opening of duck season. There were days of preparation: oiling and polishing guns, stocking ammo, building mai-mais, exhuming camo suits, and applying swear words.

Check out this TVNZ’s Close Up segment to learn more about what The Men got up to over the weekend, although without the extreme bonding, arse footage, loaded coolboxes, pin-up girls, 4WD waterskiing, and nakedness in jacuzzis (The Outlaws do not have a jacuzzi).

Although Husband denies attempting to surf across the creek on a blow-up doll, I noticed some jittery eye-contact between him and Brother-In-Law upon their return.

Thankfully, the males of the family do not subscribe to the theory that alcohol and loaded shotguns are a top idea. At least, they may have a nip before going out, but in fairness whisky is about the only way to kick-start the system at 05:30hrs.

090507-convoy

After the main event followed by an artery-nuking barbeque, we brought the puppies Jed and Lottie down to the creek. They are too small to retrieve ducks, but we wanted to accustom them to the sound of gunfire.

At the first volley of shots, Jed and Lottie flattened their ears and charged back to the truck, occasionally stumbling over their tails tucked between their legs.

090507-assassins

Brother- Stepfather- and Mother-In-Law stalk their prey. I was reminded of Mother-In-Law’s terrible ability to snuff out a life in an instant.

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Husband faces setting sun.

090507-jed-duck-arm

L-R: Jed, duck carcass, my arm

090507-ajay

No shotgun required: Ajay scares the ducks to death . . .

090507-stylie-hat

. . . as demonstrated.

090507-plucking

Plucking.

090507-feather

Jed digests a feather

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Oamaru – local dialect

At New World Supermarket in Oamaru today, I stood in line behind a man emitting a subtle aroma of beer-marinated nicotine. He was attempting to procure two six packs of beer, but appeared confused by the transactionary nature of the exchange.

Him: This <EXPLETIVE RHYMING WITH ‘MUNT’ APPLIED AS AN ACTIVE VERB DELETED> <EXPLETIVE DELETED>ing government.

Me: Um.

Him: I mean, they <EXPLETIVE DELETED> you in the ASS – half of this is <EXPLETIVE DELETED> tax.

Me: Ok then.

I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m a passionate fan of appropriate swearing. However, I was so shocked by this man’s language I dropped a packet of frozen peas.

After he had shambled off to process his beer before dinner:-

Me (to checkout assistant): Oh my god!

Checkout assistant: He wasn’t very happy.

Me: You think? He used words I didn’t know existed. Or maybe I’ve just had a sheltered upbringing-

Checkout assistant, with indulgent chuckle: Ooh, I think you have, dearie.

Me: ARE YOU <EXPLETIVE DELETED> SHITTING ME?!

Hymen Raider and the Penetrators

I need a name for a band that is beyond terrible.

In ‘About Time’, one of my characters plays in a grunge band in college. The band is more about volume than musical technique and suffers from anti-establishment aspirations. In case you need to get into character, he doesn’t wash much and is going through a swearing phase.

Here’s what I’ve come up with; I’d be grateful if you’d let me know which is your favourite, or feel free to out-gross me with an entirely new suggestion:-

[WARNING: !PROFANITY ALERT!]

1/ The Scary Fuckers
2/ Unstoppable Maggots
3/ The Impotent Barnacles
4/ The Turd-Sniffing Foetuses
5/ The Decapitated Anti Capitalists
6/ Hymen Raider and the Fucking Penetrators

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